Karyn Hall: Who's Getting Footyprints All Over My Desert?

Self-Compassion

2012-01-29T19:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people who are emotionally sensitive are angry with themselves: angry because they feel different than other people, because they are easily hurt, and sometimes because they feel broken.
Perhaps they've heard that they are too sensitive or overreacting so often that they are angry with their sensitivity. Some emotionally sensitive individuals feel ashamed, like they are less than other people. Some are frustrated that their emotional reactions have gotten in the way of achieving their goals or have hurt relationships they valued. Sometimes there is a feeling of hopelessness and they have retreated from the world, seeing it as too painful.
The anger and shame that people sometimes feel about being emotionally sensitive adds to their suffering and their emotional pain. In addition, fearing being alone, left out or abandoned blocks the joy and pleasant experiences that might otherwise be available.

Our culture's focus on self-esteem, on being the best and/or gaining the approval of others, may add to the suffering of emotionally sensitive people. This focus encourages continual self-judgments and judgments of others. The emotionally sensitive may be particularly severe in their judgments of themselves.

People judge themselves harshly for various reasons. Some have learned from critical people in their lives, internalizing the messages they received so they now say the same negative statements to themselves. They have accepted the judgments of others as the truth. Some individuals may criticize themselves because they believe it will motivate them to do better, though in fact it tends to do the opposite. Others may berate themselves as a form of protection. Maybe if they judge themselves harshly, they can avoid the condemnation of others.
Neff suggests that we stop judging and evaluating ourselves as either good or bad and treat ourselves as kindly as we would a best friend. She encourages people to stop floccinaucinihilipilification, a very long word that means the habit of estimating something as worthless.

Neff asserts that our culture's emphasis on self-esteem is part of the problem of not liking one's self. Self-esteem is all about judging, an evaluation of our worthiness, derived from being good (or not) at doing things we value. For example, self-esteem could be based on being a good cook or an athlete or a scholar.

Self-esteem can also be based on what we perceive as the view others have of us. For emotionally sensitive people in particular, this can be a trap. Given the value our culture has placed on logical thinking, many emotional sensitive people may have a history of being judged negatively for their emotional reactions. This past experience can lead them to anticipate rejection by others and perhaps even believe been judged when they haven't.

A focus on self-esteem can foster the belief that your value as a person depends on your experiences at any given moment. Are you successful in what you are doing right now? Are others faster than you at running? Did you get an A on your last test? Are you more or less successful than the person sitting next to you? At this moment do you sense approval by those around you? Or is a friend angry with you?

Basing your self-worth on the approval or disapproval of others or on your success or failure in the moment leads to constant ups and downs in your view of yourself. With this focus, establishing a solid identity, knowing who you are as a person, would be difficult. In addition, the joy of doing what you love could be lost. Instead of focusing on the enjoyment of running, each race would be about your value as a person. So would evenings out with friends.
When focused on your value as a person, everyday situations become tests of your worth. For example, when going out with friends,you may find yourself promising to not react emotionally, because others judge you negatively for that. Then you use every ounce of self-control you have to push down your emotions until you are safe at home. Even when you succeed, you might later go over the evening in your head, criticizing yourself for each perceived failure. Or focusing on how your friends acted or what they said, fearful they were judging you.

Neff proposes that self-compassion offers an alternative to the focus on self-esteem. Self-compassion is a form of self-acceptance and would fit in the radical acceptance choice of the four options for what you can do when you face a problem (see previous post, No Matter What the Problem, There's Only Four Things You Can Do). We'll talk more about self-compassion in upcoming posts.

photo credit: vvonstruen

Masking Emotions

2012-01-14T13:10:00.000-08:00

The world can be a bruising place for emotionally sensitive people. A regular day can feel like being covered in biting, Texas-sized fire ants. A natural response is to do whatever works to avoid the pain of believing others have judged, rejected or left you out. Feeling powerless to stop injustice adds to the hurt. One option is to wear a mask and hide who you really are--anAvoidance Mask. You know, avoid all the pain and protect your authentic self as well.

An Avoidance Mask is different from a Functional Mask. A Functional Mask is one everyone needs. That's the one you wear at work when you need to look like you're in charge even though your daughter just eloped with a guy in a rock band.

A Functional Mask is put on for those necessary times, like when famous people don't want to show how sad they are so the tabloids won't figure out they're devastated that they were fired as the star of a movie or television show. With a Functional Mask you feel your feelings and are only temporarily sheilding them from others. Having a functional mask is helpful but often difficult for emotinally sensitive people. So sometimes they choose more permanent masks in an effort to protect themselves emotionally.

People Pleaser Mask. The People Pleaser Mask means doing whatever it takes to make other people happy so they'll accept you and be less likely to emotionally attack you. When you have thoughts or feelings or preferences that are different than those of your companions, you shove them down or push them away.
When someone says your friend is a two-faced neanderthal who doesn't know how to dress and belongs to the wrong church, you nod or don't say anything out of fear, terrifying fear, even though you don't agree. Then you feel angry at yourself because you were afraid. You can do this so often that you lose yourself and don't know what your own thoughts and ideas are anymore.

Mask of Anger: Anger can keep people away from you and protect you from feeling vulnerable. Anger feels more powerful than hurt, fear or sadness and can be used to avoid those painful feelings. Angry people cover up their sensitivity in a way that few people guess that they are sheep dressed in porcupine quills. Emotionally sensitive people who use the mask of anger are often lonely and feel worthless on the inside.

Happy Mask: Another way of protecting yourself is to behave as if you're happy all the time. No one ever knows when your feelings are hurt and to the outside world nothing gets you down. Happiness covers your real feelings. You joke and smile even when the lady next to you volunteers you to host the next sit down dinner for the neighborhood right at the time you are expecting six guests from out of town.
Almost any emotion/behavior can be used as a mask. Maybe you mask insecurity by disliking others or mask sadness by being the life of the party or mask fear by being perfectionistic. Putting on a mask is a way of disappearing--being invisible.
Masks provide some emotional protection in the short run. But the costs of wearing masks are high. When you wear a mask, you don't really feel the warmth of belonging because others don't really know you. One of the most basic needs people have is to feel connected to other people and that can't happen when you are hidden.
Not only that, but you may wear masks so long you don't really know yourself or what you are feeling. Not knowing yourself creates a lot of anxiety because you can't make decisions and who you are is defined by others or how the day went. Avoiding feelings means you lose part of who you are and increases the liklihood that you'll be depressed or anxious. Plus it's exhausting to wear masks.

Dropping the Mask and Reclaiming Your Identity
1. Make the Decision: The first step is to decide you want to drop the Avoidance Mask. This means you are committed to taking action even though it may be painful in the beginning. If you aren't sure, make a list of pros and cons--pros and cons of dropping the mask and pros and cons of keeping the mask.
Dropping the mask will not be easy and recognizing the difficulty of this task will help you succeed. Remember taking one step at a time may work best. For example, speaking up about which restaurant you'd prefer for dinner might be one initial step.
2. Focus on Awareness: If you've lost touch with your own preferences and feelings, spend some time asking yourself what you really think and feel. Keep asking and keep experimenting--it will come back to you. Consider keeping a journal, writing down what you liked and didn't like each day. Accept your feelings and trust that they will pass.
3. Be Visible: Notice if you have the posture of someone who is trying to hide. If you do, stand up straight and let yourself be visible. Begin to express your opinion and thoughts gently, with kindness.
4. Develop New Coping Skills: Before you drop the mask, it's important to have alternative, more effective ways to cope with emotional pain. More about that in future posts.
5. Face Whatever You've Been Avoiding: Whatever your thoughts and feelings, they are your thoughts and feelings. Everyone has their own internal experience and yours is likely different from that of your friends'.
Accepting your internal experience instead of avoiding it will allow you to check to see if your feelings have any base in external reality and to choose healthier, more effective ways of coping. Facing the external fears will help you overcome those as well. Being rejected or criticized by others is not pleasant, but you will find out you can survive it. Take small steps, have support, and use alternative coping skills.

photo credit: pietro_C

Learning Acceptance and Finding Peace

2012-01-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

In January people evaluate their progress toward goals they made for the past year. Emotionally sensitive people evaluate themselves and wish they were different than they are regardless of what the calendar says. Change can be positive, but sometimes it's learning acceptance that's really needed--acceptance of who you are instead of judging yourself as unworthy and living in fear of being rejected.

Some societies don't understand the concept of judging oneself as unworthy. Our culture tends to be competitive, based on the idea that we have to be "good enough" to succeed, to belong to certain groups, to not be rejected. Many, many years ago being part of a group was necessary for survival. Belonging is still a basic need for everyone.

Mother Teresa once said that the greatest disease of our time was the feeling of not belonging. In a misguided effort to gain acceptance from others, some emotionally sensitive individuals repeatedly criticize and berate themselves. But criticism isn't a good motivator for change and often leads to the person feeling alienated from him or herself in addition to feeling "less than" others. That adds more suffering.

Acceptance is accepting life on life's terms. Acceptance is also the idea of accepting yourself, with all your human imperfections. That means that instead of fighting your imperfections and your flaws, you accept them. What's the good in that? Well suffering consists of the pain in life that you have no control over, plus the upset and resistance you have about that pain, which you do have control over. If you stop resisting or avoiding the pain, then you lower your level of suffering.

Emotions build on each other. So if you feel worried and then you are angry that you are worried, the two emotions combine. Your upset is multiplied. If you feel worried and accept that you are worried, then you only have the original feeling without adding additional emotion to it.

Acceptance doesn't mean giving in to or agreeing with or being passive. Acceptance is the acknowledgement of what is happening within us, acknowledgement of our emotions, that they exist. Acceptance is letting yourself see reality without judging it. Sometimes acceptance allows you to move forward. Sometimes acceptance leads to change. Sometimes it doesn't. But acceptance decreases your suffering. When your suffering is lower, you are able to have a more open mind and a broader view of yourself and others. Options may be more clear.

How do you get to acceptance? In his book, The Mindful Path to Self Compassion,Christopher Germer outlines the steps for acceptance: aversion, curiosity, tolerance, allowing, and friendship.

Aversion is usually the first step. This is our resistance to an uncomfortable feeling, our wish to avoid it, even when it's a minor unhappiness. We all have our avoidance behaviors, perhaps drinking too much or overeating or gambling or overworking. We may start to avoid at the first physical sensation of an unwelcome feeling, before we're even aware of what we are feeling.

Sticking with the feeling rather than avoiding is the path to acceptance. Mindfulness is what allows you to stay with the feeling, to create a pause so that you don't push the feeling away without even knowing you are doing it.

Curiosity is wondering about the mood, trying to figure out what caused it, hoping that we can change it. Sometimes even knowing what the source is doesn't help you change the feeling.

Tolerance means that you endure the mood but wait for it to change, wish it was gone, resist it, perhaps even trying to force cheerfulness. Curiosity and Tolerance require energy and involve discontent in addition to sadness, fear, anger or whatever the original uncomfortable feeling. Keep in mind that for some, happiness can be uncomfortable.

Allowing means letting feelings be, come and go as they will without resistance, judgement, or making building them bigger. This stage brings peacefulness. This is saying, "It is what it is." Feelings will pass, though often not immediately.

Friendship is being able to see the value in uncomfortable emotions, perhaps the lesson that you learn from them. For example, sadness about a friend is part of our caring for them, being able to feel connected to others. In this stage you may even be grateful for the uncomfortable feeling.

Accepting less desirable feelings takes practice. Being mindful of the here and now, trusting that you are safe, knowing that emotions come and go, and not engaging in avoidance behavior will gradually bring more peace to your life.

photo credit: ZedZap

Validation Letters for the Holidays

2011-12-16T15:27:00.000-08:00

Want to give a gift that someone you love is likely to keep forever and will be meaningful to them for the rest of their lives? Regardless of the relationship, a validation letter is one of the most meaningful gifts you could choose. Sending a validation letter each year creates a tradition that will serve as a chronicle of the person's life as shared with you. Writing validation letters for young children serves as another way to communicate their importance to you and how much you love them. When they are older they will enjoy reading about your experience of their taking their first step, for example.

Validation, according to Steven Hayes, means communicating that you respect, acknowledge and accept who others are and how they became who they are. Validation is acceptance of the person, without judgment. Validation can focus on emotions, thoughts, or behaviors. What a gift acceptance without judgment is!

Writing a letter of validation will likely take some thought and time. Here are some steps to follow:

1. Make a list of events that happened in the person's life this past year. These events could be significant like your daughter's first day of school, birthdays, and trips. You could also use routine experiences you shared such as date nights with your husband, watching a television show you both enjoy, caring for children together, or

2. Choose the events to include in the letter.

3. Beside each event, write your memory of the emotions and thoughts they shared them with you and/or your best guess of their emotions and thoughts. If you have a photo of the person at the time of the event, you could include that as well, and comment on what you would guess their facial expression means.

4. Express your understanding of what the event meant to them, given their history, values, struggles or their goals.

5. If you experienced a emotional reaction to the event that occurred to them, write about your feelings of their experience--not your own experience of the event.

For an example, imagine that your husband ran his first marathon in 2011. The paragraph about the race might read as follows:

"I remember when you decided this was the year you would run a marathon. It was Thursday, in March, I believe the 10th. Your face looked so determined and you sounded committed. That morning at breakfast you wrote out your training schedule. Even though you'd never run more than a mile before, you seemed to know you could do this. I admire that about you, your confidence that you can finish what you start. Running became a regular part of your day for the next seven months. At first, you often woke up with sore calves and thighs but as you got stronger you seemed to crave running, like your day wasn't complete without it. You kept to your schedule regardless of the difficulty of balancing work and the demands of daily living. When you crossed the finish line, you were breathing hard, dripping sweat, red in the face, and panting. You couldn't talk for a few minutes, but you were smiling. I think I know what that marathon meant to you. I can still feel how excited and proud I was when you finished, and for you it meant so much more."

Remember, validation communicates acceptance and acknowledgment of thoughts, emotions, and behavior. You don't need to agree--validation doesn't mean endorsement. Validation is about communicating that the other person is important to you and their thoughts and feelings are important as well. Validation strengthens relationships. For detailed steps on learning validation, check out The Power of Validation (December 2011, New Harbinger). Happy Holidays!

Validation and Self-Compassion

2011-12-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

No one gets through life without experiencing emotional pain, whether it's the pain of losing someone you love, the pain of public speaking, the discomfort of being ill, or the disappointment of not achieving cherished goals. Despite the absolute certainty that we will experience pain, most of us do whatever we can to avoid difficult emotions like sadness, hurt and grief, though the difficult emotion for some may be joy or happiness. We numb ourselves with food, alcohol, shopping, work, the computer, sex, drugs, excessive exercise and walk through the world half asleep. Avoiding pain may sound like a great idea--who wants to suffer when you could be pursuing happiness? The problem is that numbing yourself to difficult feelings limits your ability to get information about your world, to be emotionally intimate with those you love, and to experience peace. Avoiding also is tiring and limits the energy you have to enjoy life.

In his book The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, Christopher Germer, Ph.D. lists five steps in accepting uncomfortable feelings: Aversion, Curiosity, Tolerance, Allowing and Friendship. Aversion, the first stage, is when we try to deny the difficult feeling, resist feeling it, or ruminate about how to get rid of it. Germer proposes a new way of relating to feelings, one that is more accepting and compassionate. He sees accepting feelings as a path to peace and freedom from anxiety and depression.

Those who have avoided feelings for long periods of time may have a generalized fear of emotions, having forgotten what they were originally avoiding. Or perhaps they believe themselves to be unlovable, permanently flawed, or broken and cannot bear to look at themselves or have anyone else know their internal experience for fear their secret will be revealed. By continuing to avoid they never learn that they are simply human, like the rest of us.

Acceptance is fabulous. The bigger question for many is how to accept? How do you accept anything about yourself when you can't list a single positive characteristic and on a very basic level you loathe who you are?

I think the answer is validation. Once a person is mindful of their emotions, validation gives the road map to acceptance. When you validate you acknowledge that whatever feelings and thoughts you have are the feelings and thoughts you have. In addition, the levels of validation (Linehan 1993) give concrete ways to practice validation whether you love yourself or not. Being present, Accurate Reflection, Articulating the Unsaid, Validation in Terms of Past Experience or Biology, Normalizing, and Radical Genuineness are guidelines to looking at your internal experience in an effective way, without judgments. Being Present would mean not running from the feeling and accurate reflection is labeling and observing what you are experiencing. Articulating the unsaid is making a guess about what you are experiencing when you aren't certain and checking the facts of that guess. Validation in Terms of Past Experience or Biology takes into account that your temperament, current physical status, and the experiences you've had all contribute to your view of the world, sometimes in defining ways. Finally, radical genuineness with yourself means knowing that others have had similar experiences and that your experience is understandable to other human beings.

The Power of Validation

2011-12-10T07:47:00.001-08:00

The Power of Validation is published! While written as a parenting book focused on young children, the book teaches the steps of validation and can be used by anyone who wants to improve their relationships, by families of those with borderline personality disorder, and by anyone who wants to learn to validate him or herself.

When Family Members Don't Like Their Loved One with BPD

2011-12-10T07:45:00.001-08:00

One of the most difficult feelings to acknowledge is not liking your loved one who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). If you have experienced these feelings, please know that you are not alone and it is a very difficult situation with many possible causes. How to manage these feelings is an important, complex question with many different possible causes and options.

First consider what has led to these feelings? Maybe you can pinpoint the one thing that if it didn’t exist you wouldn’t feel the way you do? Knowing the source of your feelings helps to clarify the options. That is the first step. I’ve listed some possibilities below:

1. Can you remember what your daughter was like before her symptoms became more dominant? Can you separate her personality from her disorder? Because the disorder is so difficult and overwhelming, sometimes BPD becomes all we see even though if we look more carefully we can see the person separate from the disorder. Maybe take some time and list the symptoms of BPD and then list the behaviors that your daughter displays that fit the symptoms. Then write down the her personality characteristics that are not symptoms of BPD.

If what you don’t like is the disorder, maybe try to increase opportunities to interact with her when her symptoms are less prominent. This may not be easy to do, but sometimes the disorder is so demanding that when someone is doing better families breath a sigh of relief that they can pay attention to other people and other needs. Thus they don’t get to experience the person who has BPD when s/he is doing well.

While absolutely normal and understandable, interacting only when the person with BPD is experiencing difficulty sometimes leads to increased symptoms on the part of the person with BPD (not conscious) because they feel abandoned when they are doing better. The connection with parents can become about discord. Feeling attached through anger is better than no attachment for the person with BPD. This can be very wearing on parents and other family members. If this is the case, then it is possible (though a lot of work) to change this pattern.

2. Is it is a question of her behavior or choices being contradictory to your values? If so, then is her behavior reflective of her values or her disorder? Do you understand the reasons she is behaving the way she does? Understanding the reasons someone behaves the way they do sometimes helps us accept though not approve or support. Is it possible to dislike the behavior but love the person? And if her choices do reflect different values, can you find acceptance that she believes differently than you?

3. Is it her behavior toward you that is the final straw? As a behaviorist, I believe that all behavior has a purpose, even when it is part of a disorder. Can you identify what purpose her behavior toward you might have? What does her behavior toward you accomplish for her (such as increased contact with you as noted in number 1)? After the reason for the behavior is known, then changes in the results of the behavior can change the behavior.

4. Are you experiencing chronic stress or compassion burnout? Not liking someone we used to like, someone we’ve given a lot of time and energy to, is a common symptom of both of these situations. It may be that you need to set more limits, give yourself more breaks, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Finding support that works for you, validating yourself and your own needs would also be helpful. You might also evaluate whether you are giving too much and need to reconsider your limits.

5. Could this be about sadness for you? Are you feeling discouraged? Are you feeling hopeless, perhaps like a failure? Or afraid? When you see your daughter is it painful for you because of your own feelings? It may be that seeing her brings up painful feelings for you and that could make you not want to be around her. In this situation, taking a look at your feelings and how to resolve them or accept them might help.

6. Are you constantly on edge, waiting for the next crisis? Are you attempting to control what you can’t control? This can also lead to exhaustion and resentment. Sometimes having a crisis plan, so that it is concrete and clear what you can do and what you can’t do could be helpful.

7. One option is of course that you don’t like her. It may be that completely accepting that fact will help you. What you think and feel is valid and self-validation would mean not judging yourself for your thoughts and feelings. Then, remember that validation is not a communication of love or liking, just as it is not agreeing. It is acceptance and recognition that the other person has thoughts and feelings and has a right to her thoughts and feelings, whether it is someone you love or someone you don’t want to spend a single minute with. I would say that every person in the world has a right to their thoughts and feelings. Maybe separating validation from love or liking would help. When you validate her thoughts and feelings you are not communicating that you like or love her.

Plus, validation of her thoughts and feelings could make your interactions easier which could lead to your feelings changing. Or not.

Finally, you might consider talking with a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD to help sort out your thoughts and feelings.

Thanksgiving

2011-09-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I've a lot to be thankful for. I am so very grateful to my Mother who gave me the tools to pursue my dreams. I am grateful for my immediate family who support my long hours of writing and to an editor who took a chance and accepted a proposal. I am grateful to a colleague who introduced me to another editor who is now considering four books. I am grateful to those who believed in me and gave me the opportunity to share information on a national conference call. I am grateful for my health and that I have such wonderful people who love me. I blessed in that I work with the most fabulous, giving people you could imagine and I get to do work I love.

I am grateful for the opportunity to give back. Peace for me lies in helping others to develop their careers, in writing books that may help someone somewhere, and in offering what I can to assist others in need. I want to give more. With like-minded people, I'm starting a non-profit.

I am blessed to be able to do that. Thank you. How wonderful to have a special day to say thank you.

Understanding Anger

2011-09-30T07:48:00.001-07:00

Many times people describe another person as an "angry" person or someone who has an "anger problem" and shake their heads. Emotionally abusive spouses, the controlling boss, the critical parent--all may be described as angry people. Bullies are angry people, whether they are twelve or forty-five. Maybe it's hard to understand why someone would be angry most of the time. After all, being chronically angry has many negative consequences for both the person who lives in anger and those around that person. Why would anyone continue a behavior that seems so negative?

Anger is a complicated emotion but we're beginning to understand it better than ever before. There are different types of anger.

First consider Stephanie. That's a made-up name of course and doesn't refer to any real person. Stephanie is focused on self-esteem. Focusing on self-esteem is a trap, as we know from Dr. Neff's bookSelf Compassion (2011). She looks for achievements to feel good about herself and assesses herself in terms of whether she is better than others in various ways, such as being smarter, more fit, wealthier, and the like. Because she sees her value as measured through these comparisons, there will be times when she realizes others are smarter, wealthier, or in better shape than she is. There are many ways of responding, and her way is to be angry when that happens. Loss of her value as a person hurts and anger is one response to feeling hurt. In some situations where someone isn't clear about who they are, the anger may be intense because they feel so worthless. Some people routinely compare themselves to others who they judge as being superior to them and the result is also anger. Believing that you are worthless is one root of chronic anger.

Jake is an abusive spouse. When his wife Wendy returned home late from a meeting, he raged at her, demanding to know where she had been. He "knew" she was cheating on him. Wendy apologized over and over and reassured him she loved him. To avoid his anger she told her boss she couldn't stay late any more. She made many changes in her life to avoid Jake's anger. Anger for Jake is a way of controlling his fears of abandonment.

Allison is a pretty twelve-year-old girl who goes to a private school. She's the Queen Bee with a group of three or four followers. She puts others down and believes she is superior to other students and deserves to be adored. When she wasn't chosen as homecoming queen she was enraged. She stayed angry for months and tormented the girl who was chosen as queen. She believed she deserved it, she wanted it and she saw herself as the prettiest girl at the school. She stayed angry for months and tormented the girl who was chosen as queen.

Wesley continues to form relationships that seem promising. He has a certain closeness that he is comfortable with. He is fine until he talks about marriage and then he finds a reason to be angry with the one he cares about. He has the same pattern in business. He works well with someone until he thinks about having a business partner. Then he destroys the relationship by finding fault with the other person.

Anger is often a secondary emotion, triggered by fear. Think about your child running onto the road in front of your house. Fear comes first, then anger. Sometimes the change from fear to anger happens so quickly and automatically people aren't even aware it occurred.

Steven Stosny, in his book Treating Attachment Abuse (1995) talks about anger as an emotional salve to cover up core hurts. He identifies core hurts, some of which are feeling ignored, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. The healthy person has the power to self-validate and cope with these difficult emotions.

If someone doesn't have the ability to soothe through self-validation, then they may use anger to invalidate the person who has hurt them. By assuring oneself and others that the hurt was not legitimate, that the other person was in the wrong, the person establishes their superiority. Thus they avoid feeling the difficult emotion.

For example, Allison believes that the girl who won the contest did not deserve it and thus does avoids dealing with the feeling of rejection or legitimate loss. She attacks the girl who did win to prove her point. Allison is exhibiting a narcissistic anger--she does not feel insecure, she feels entitled.

Jake is attempting to avoid terrifying feelings of abandonment. He does not have to see himself as wrong or selfish, or mean because he is sure his wife was the one at fault.

Stephanie feels powerless and inadequate. When someone feels powerless, anger can be empowering. What a different feeling that is! Empowering can also mean control. For fearful people, feeling in control may be soothing and they can often get that feeling through anger.

Anger can create distance when someone is afraid of getting too close. If someone has grown up with distant parents, they may crave closeness but at the same time be afraid of it. Anger can be protective in those situations. That's Walter's pattern.

Anger can also be a safe way to engage with someone. I fight with you, therefore we are connected.

Stosny also points out the chemical rush that comes with anger. When a person gets angry, the brain secretes norepinephrine. norepinephrine works much like a pain reducer. When provoked the brain also produces the hormone epinephrine, which causes a surge of energy throughout our body. The chemical reactions may be comforting as well. Some report feeling an almost addictive like response to the adrenaline-like rush they experience when angry.

Treating anger problems requires careful assessment to find the reasons for its occurrence.

A Few Thoughts About Self Compassion

2011-09-26T05:10:00.001-07:00

Dr. Kristin Neff's book on self compassion was published in April 2011. We've followed her website for some time and used her work in the work we do. Our expectations for her book were high. She didn't disappoint.

Human minds seem to naturally be judging, judging, and judging some more. Many people tend to build themselves up by putting others down. The idea seems to be that if someone see themselves as better than someone else then they feel better about themselves. Bullies do this to an extreme and gather allies to join them to further prove their superiority over another human being. Given that in this country we seem fixated on being above average as a way of having self-esteem, that means finding someone or lots of someones you see as beneath you. The judging doesn't stop with others but usually includes harsh judgments of themselves as well.

Dr. Neff explains clearly how that is a set-up for problems and why it doesn't work. She offers self compassion as an alternative to self esteem. She points out that if people see conflicts as being between two groups of people, such as between women and men or between different nationalities, they tend to be more accepting of the differences than if they think of the conflicts as being between human beings. That leads to one of her main pathways to self compassion--accepting that what we experience are is part of the human condition. We all experience loss, disappointment, failure, shame and regret.

To truly experience self compassion is to not judge. Self compassion means to understand and accept. Is she saying nothing should be judged as wrong? No. Dr. Neff describes discriminate wisdom as the ability to separate the action from the person. Stealing is wrong. Understanding that the person who stole was hungry helps you have compassion.

Teaching a nonjudgmental stance is part of DBT. Perhaps teaching self compassion as what to do instead of judging adds an important component.

Self compassion also adds to the understanding of invalidation, perhaps helping stop the behavior. Understanding that every human being makes mistakes and is fallible and that there are multiple reasons for the missteps and less than desirable decisions encourages the logic and truth of stopping invalidating statements.

Perhaps most important of all, Dr. Neff cites research that shows people practicing self compassion are less likely to be depressed or anxious and have a more stable sense of security. That's a significant result.

Vegetarian

2011-09-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

I didn't intend to become a vegetarian. Really, I didn't. But something happened last March and I just couldn't eat meat anymore. Not only did I not want it, I couldn't tolerate the thought of meat in my mouth. Probably just a passing thing I thought, but here I am six months later and I can't stand the thought of eating flesh. That's the way I think of meat now and I can't switch it back. Meat is flesh right? That's the truth.

The problem is that I'm having difficulty getting enough protein. I've always loved carbs and taking meat out of my diet only makes the problem worse. Carbs taste so good. Eating is not about what tastes good I tell myself. Because of the problem with protein I made a decision to eat meat again. Making firm decisions about my own behavior has worked before, like deciding I would go to the gym. This time it didn't work.

That solution is not working. Now I'm focused on alternative protein sources. How can I increase my protein without eating meat? Greek yogurt is great. But I need more.

Enter spicy black bean burgers. These patties are flavorful and taste like a treat. Wrapped iwth veggies in a low-carb whole wheat tortilla and what a treat. My meat-loving friends eat them too. I never knew these "burgers" could taste so wonderful. So if I found one fabulous option, there should be another, right? Protein packed chocolate pudding with no sugar and 9 carbs, 190 calories and 30 grams of protein. 30!! Seriously, this stuff is so good.

There's got to be more. I'm searching.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

2011-08-24T10:06:00.001-07:00

Mindfulness of our thoughts is one of the keys to decreasing our suffering. How many times have you had thoughts that were totally unhelpful, maybe even detrimental to your own happiness? Our mind is like a monkey, jumping all around. Sometimes completely weird thoughts come into our heads and we have no idea where the thoughts came from. The problem is that sometimes we believe that because we thought something, it must be true. Let’s say you have the thought “Maybe my husband is cheating on me” but there is no evidence that is true, not a single, tiny fact to support that thought. Being mindful that the mind is just thinking and what you think isn’t necessarily reality may save you from a lot of misery and from yelling at your husband for no reason.

The mind can have all kinds of thoughts. Many times the mind has lots of negative thoughts about its owner–you. And that definately lowers your mood and increases your suffering.

Thoughts are just thoughts. Because we think something it isn’t necessarily true. The mind isn’t about to stop genenerating thoughts, that’s what it has been doing for over 100,000 years. Be aware that your thoughts may just be thoughts and not have any truth whatsoever. That’s normal. So check it out, see if the thought is true. Find the evidence. If it’s true, then you can take action. If it’s not, then you label it a thought and don’t pay attention to it.

Japan

2011-07-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

Discovering the differences between my cultture and the Japanese is a daily experience. Yams are not sweet potatoes here, for one. The hotel showers are not enclosed. The whole bathroom is the shower. Sounds strange but its actually very convenient and reasonable. Pajamas are provided instead of a robe. The taxis are lovely colors, bright green, turqoise, and aqua. In Tokyo there are people everywhere. The people are gentle and very willing to be helpful. They seem to go about their day in a most efficient manner and there is little chat on the trains or streets. People do not yell at each other that I have seen and mistakes or requests are taken care of as best they can manage.. Trains and buses run on a schedule. A lovely country.

Japan

2011-07-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

I'm headed to Japan with a carry-on full of food. I'm not confident that I can find my choices there and being unable to find food I'm willing to eat is not an experience I want to repeat. Try looking for meat substitutes in Spain. Or Southwest Virgina.

A creature of habit, I love to see the world. Those two facts about me are contradictory. It's hard to keep your routine when you can't speak the language. I'm not complaining. I'm just owning my own inflexibility. If I were a good traveler my carry-on would hold maps and guide books and walking shoes.

Hotel beds are important to me, almost as important as my food. I love a good mattress with lots of pillows and cool sheets. I'd like a view from the window. I'm a spoiled traveler I guess. Okay, I can do without the view but I don't want a too soft or a rock hard mattress. And a gym.

Japan. I never imagined I'd be there. Google Translator is my new best friend. I'll send pictures. And let you know about that mattress.

Love

2011-07-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

Love is so darn complicated.

Mature love is a whole different story than a young, beginning love. One of the most difficult characteristics is that you can love someone who is absolutely not good for you. So you have this incredible feeling, this wish to be oh-so-close to someone and everytime you get close something awful happens. Something hurtful. Painful. Gut-wrenching. Perhaps the person betrays your trust. Maybe s/he talks trash about you behind your back. Maybe they pull away. Sometimes we love the wrong person. Because without trust and safety, love doesn't flourish. Oh, you might not stop loving for a long time, maybe never. But without trust love can't help you soar and be the best you can be. Love without trust brings sadness. I believe you can love without trust, but it's not a pleasant experience.

Then there's love and intimacy. Sometimes we love from afar, not really involved with the person we love. If you love someone who struggles with addictions, or someone who repeatedly betrays you, then love from a distance may be the only safe option. That's a limited love. There's little joy in that love either.

Love without acceptance is common. I'll love you if you lose ten pounds kind of love. Can you love someone and criticize the heck out of them? Absolutely. You can love someone and blame them, be jealous of them, and any of a number of ridiculous behaviors. The love isn't the problem. It's the blaming, criticizing, and ridiculous behaviors.

But a stand-up kind of love, that's rare. When the person you love does something humiliating for them and you walk up to them and take their hand. When they make the most embarrassing goof in the company of people you respect and you kiss them on the cheek cause you know they didn't do it on purpose.

It's a wondrous thing when you get it. And when you give it.

Trust and intimacy are critical for the fullest love

Learning About Witches

2011-05-28T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've stereotyped witches and I'm sorry. Now that I've done some research for a new book, I've learned the error of my ways. Of course I knew the pointed hats and long flowing black robes from the Wicked Witch of the West and Halloween were gross exaggerations. But I didn't know witches believed in karma. Aren't we getting Buddha all mixed up here with wiccan? Witches claim the Rule of Three. If you harm someone it will come back at you threefold. So they are quite careful about using their magic for good. Not only that but witches believe in reincarnation. Their souls go to Summerland and wait til they are ready to start another round here on earth. So other religious sects believe in reincarnation and that lessons must be learned or we keep returning to earth. What's going on here? How did this blow your mind overlap occur?

Truth really is stranger than fiction.

Mindfulness and Attachments

2011-04-25T05:56:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I was counting the days until my new iPad arrived. I checked the Apple site several times a day, despite knowing I'd receive an email when it shipped. The marketing department for Apple must be amazing to have so many people going to the store in the wee morning hours to stand in line to get a number to buy that product. I guess it helps that the iPad is, well, really cool.

What fascinates me though is my own behavior. I've been through gadget mania, believing that the latest gadget would add so much to my life, create happiness or magic or some wondrous result. What really happens, of course, is that I get the gadget (or dress, or car, or whatever) and then a week later I want something else. There is no end to wanting. Whatever you get, you want something else. We don't wait for possessions to wear out anymore or until we need something new. How many people wait until they need a new pair of shoes before buying? Or new clothes? Most of us buy based on want, not need. Sometimes I try to fool myself. I don't have any yellow heels. So I need those. then, well, I don't have any yellow flats. I need yellow flats and then that will be the last pair I buy. Ha. I am embarrassed to say how many pairs of shoes are in my closet right now. I certainly don't need more.

All this wanting leads to working more to earn more money to pay for all the stuff I buy.

Wanting creates discontentment. Getting things truly doesn't bring happiness. I've found that out for myself. Plus research done in positive psychology has shown that to be true. Not to mention that all this buying from want means working more hours to earn more money to pay for all the stuff that doesn't make me happy. And takes away from free time that I could spend writing, with friends and with family--the choices that really do make me happy. My behavior makes no sense. And I know it. And I still do it.

The iPad really is cool though.

Finding Happiness in Parenting

2011-04-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

Parenting is so complicated. So many times parents come in to my office and say "My daughter was absolutely perfect until she hit the teen years. Then she is like a different person." The problem is that often a child who seems "perfect" and never causes any trouble may also be the child who is not developing their own sense of identity. This is a problem because during the teen years the same child will do everything a peer group does, just like she used to do everything you said. She gets her sense of acceptance by being like the people she wants to accept her.

How awful that parents must worry not only if their child is getting into trouble but must also worry if their child is too perfect. What's up with that? That hardly seems fair, does it?

Developing a sense of identity is an important developmental task. Identity is made up mostly of a person's likes and dislikes. Make sure your child has a voice, can tell you what his preferences are and how he feels about different situations and experiences. Listen, don't try to shape his opinion no matter how much you disagree. It's important that his opinion is his opinion and he feels his opinion is accepted. Let him express his preference for a restaurant, clothes, television shows, and friends. Give him lots of opportunties to make choices that are appropriate for his age.

Helping your child develop a sense of identity is just one way to start preparing for those teen years, which is good for your child and will make your life easier. You know those times, that's when you as a parent know nothing and are just out to make your child's life miserable. It's all just developmental, and that too will pass!

Writing

2011-02-03T15:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I read a chapter I'd written about ten months ago. Appalled would not be too strong for what I felt. My writing clearly reflected the amateur that I am. I knew exactly how to fix my errors. I'd described the setting in such a way that it screamed "I'm describing the setting now." I wrote qucikly as if someone would read it before I could correct the error of not integrating the setting into the action. Then I put down the pen in satisfaction. Done. In ten months from now, if I'm lucky, I'll be appalled at what I'm writing now. And so the progress proceeds and hopefully, one day, I will love the words I've written regardless of their age.

At this moment I am working on making my writing invisible to the reader, bringing the story so vividly to existence that it becomes reality. I don't want my words to even whisper there is a writer behind them, grouping them in some special order, working with the sounds and smells they call forth. There are some rules that help me learn this, like always say swordfish, not fish; and pay attention to the sounds of words. Pearls and pewter; bark, bulimia, banker; and putrid, rotted, rubbish--they all convey more than their definition. Put them together in the right way and they'll sing a melody as well. A light jingle, a baroque, a symphony--what do I want? At this moment I envy the poets, that lovely and perfect choice of words, a way of seeing the world with an artist's eye.

I Love Paris

2011-01-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

Paris has a personality all her own. Yes, her. She's definately a woman. Soft, sensitive, enticing, great fun with a mystery about her as well. She's a skilled courtesian who flirts endlessly, but you're not sure she's really interested. I love Paris!

So much to see and do in gay Paree. The Eiffel Tower is amazing. So are the Arc de Triomph and Versailles and Louvre and on and on. The architecture is beautiful. Just walking down the street is an experience, any street. No wonder Hemmingway loved it so. He once said

"If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast."

Hemmingway's words were comforting because I didn't want to leave. And Oscar Wilde gave me hope of returning.
“When good Americans die they go to Paris.” Oscar Wilde

I didn't do so well with the language. I felt as Mark Twain must have when he said "In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language."

I know Paris is the city of gourmet food. For some reason I didn't experience those wonderful dishes. Maybe I was too busy walking the city. I spent hours walking. So I found French peanut butter and some wonderful bread and made do with that. I think that was a good decision based on Charles de Montesquieu. He said "Lunch kills half of Paris, supper the other half."

Parisienne women ride motorcycles and scooters. They do so in heels and short skirts. Everyone is dressed in black. If you want to stand out, wear color, but it will mark you as a tourist.

Paris has many faces and can be whoever you want her to be, yet she is decidedly Paris.

Burning the Old Year by Naomi Shihab Nye

2011-01-01T07:45:00.001-08:00

Burning the Old Year

BY NAOMI SHIHAB NYE

Letters swallow themselves in seconds.

Notes friends tied to the doorknob,

transparent scarlet paper,

sizzle like moth wings,

marry the air.

So much of any year is flammable,

lists of vegetables, partial poems.

Orange swirling flame of days,

so little is a stone.

Where there was something and suddenly isn’t,

an absence shouts, celebrates, leaves a space.

I begin again with the smallest numbers.

Quick dance, shuffle of losses and leaves,

only the things I didn’t do

crackle after the blazing dies.

Naomi Shihab Nye, “Burning the Old Year” from Words Under the Words: Selected Poems (Portland, Oregon: Far Corner Books, 1995). Copyright © 1995 by Naomi Shihab Nye. Reprinted with the permission of the author.

Source: Words Under the Words: Selected Poems (Far Corner Books, 1995)

Happy 2011!

2011-01-01T07:08:00.000-08:00

  I love New Year's. Not the party, but the experience. Though it's just another day, I love the feel of unwrapping a whole new year, one that's fresh, clean, just waiting for me to figure out how to use it. So on New Year's Day I spend some time thinking of my intention for the coming year. I set a general direction for myself and though I may be off course much of the time or the path I take changes, I keep focus on that general direction. Most of the time.

   This year I'm letting go of more fears to live with more ease. It's a little scary to even write that. If my mother is listening, she'll be scared too. She'll be saying how much more wildly could I possibly get? But though I've succeeded in living way beyond my comfort zones, there are ways I still limit myself beyond what's reasonable. Being frugal and careful and saving for the day you might be living under a bridge has always been a way of staying safe. So I do a lot of things like reuse aluminum foil, save plastic bags and work on Labor Day. All of which may be a result of growing up in Appalachia (which was wonderful, but that's another topic.)

   So I'm risking more this year. I'm sending out queries for the novels I've written, joining a writing class, and working less. I'm opening up new areas of my clinical practice and traveling more. I'll still save plastic bags and aluniminum foil but with a different intention. Most of all I will give myself more time, view the time I have as abundant, and spend more of it connecting with people I love.

   A good start is--I'm going to Paris. That sounds so decadent to me. But I am blessed with a special opportunity. See, I'm giving myself reasons it's okay even now. It's okay. It won't put me under the bridge.

   So we'll see how I do as the year goes on. I hope the angels are helping my mother relax right now.

I Love Being Over 40 (Okay, way over)

2010-10-17T14:58:00.000-07:00

Would you like to be twenty again? Seventeen? Not me. I can remember being that young and thinking how awful it must be to be old. Old meant 40 then. But the truth seems to be that new gifts come with the years and I don't mind being older. All those insecurities my younger self struggled with--would someone love me, was I pretty enough, would I be successful, was I good enough, would I have enough--those aren't issues for my older self. I remember when seeing a single black hair on a female friend's face or knee and thinking how horrible, that I would never let myself get that way. I'm that way and beyond and I don't care. I go out without make up, go to the gym with bedhead hair and I never wonder if people are looking at me.

Growing older means embracing imperfection. I have wrinkles and in places my skin just doesn't fit right. Not a pretty sight. But to me it's better than an acquaintance I saw recently who seems to be fighting the aging process. Botoxed and fillered to the point she looks plastic.

But it's all a surprise to me, that I'm loving being the age I am. My mom used to say that getting older was horrible. Not so far, but I know part of my positive view is that I have good health. I working harder at that too. I want to enjoy the heck out of whatever years I have left and that means being healthy. So my money's going to prevention and my time to keeping fit and eating right.

Part of being happy with getting older is attitude. Not just the getting older is better than the alternative kind of thinking. But true gratitude.
Having been a people pleaser, I'm grateful that now I'm okay with being myself, spending time alone and not going to dinner with people I don't want to go with. I'm grateful I'm not spending time giving talks that scare me to death because I need to do it for my career. And I'm especially glad I no longer wonder if the good looking guy I met wants to go out or commit. I don't worry about a date for Saturday night and I don't have to wear any more bridesmaid dresses. I don't bake for hours on the beach nor do I get spray tanned. I don't take a bad haircut seriously anymore.

I'm just getting started.

Fall

2010-10-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

October 11, 2010

The weather in Houston is gorgeous. So perfect I want to stay outside, smelling green and surrounded by nature, as if I have all the time in the world. No deadlines, no responsibilities, no tasks. I wonder how long it would take before the lack of demands began to feel burdensome, before I grew restless? Finding the exact right balance of structured time activity and unstructured time? Do others do this easily?

Competition motivates some people to do their best but for me I function best without the pressure. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I write for myself, to create the book I want to write, not the book that an agent will decide to represent. Focusing on an agent's acceptance creates strife, not what I want in my writing time. Writing is not my work but my passion. And I fully respect that it is others' work and that is a different story.

I love creating the characters and playing with a plotline. And sometimes I need a break from that. If I write like I have very little time, then it becomes a push. So I write like I have all the time in the world. I do, afterall.

New Priorities

2010-09-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

It is a wonderful few days when you've accomplished goals you set for yourself. I'm doing the edits for the nonfiction book Melissa Cook and I are writing, and I'm editing the second fiction book I wrote. I've lost the weight I wanted to lose and toned up. With that came more attention to the clothes I wear. My dress reflects my identity again. I like dressing just a bit differently, putting things together in ways that aren't standard. And I adore vintage looks.

I've gotten fit and lowered my cholesteral. Celebration time!

Now it's time for new priorities. What do I want to do? Write another book? I do and will, but this time it will be without the obessiveness I had for the first three. I know I can do it and now I've an idea of how to do it better than I did before I wrote the first one. I'm not spending whole days writing. That takes the fun out of it. And I'd gain back the weight I've lost.

I want to add yoga into my fitness routine. That's one priority. Another is to enjoy an abundance of time. I always feel so rushed, so many things I want to do. And that perception changes my day. There is a difference to just viewing the day as an abundance of time--it's calmer and what you are doing is more fully experienced.

I want to find a writer's group, a critique group that I can attend in person. And make sending out queries more of priority. I love to write but I don't try to sell it. That doesn't work at all.

That's enough for now.

Penguin Accepting Unsolicited Manuscripts

2010-08-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

For three months Penguin Books (United Kingdom) is accepting unsolicited manuscripts from writers. The three month period will last until the end of October 2010. If they like your book, they will publish it regardless of where you live.

Email your synopsis and brief introductory note to submissions@uk.penguingroup.com before the end of October 2010.

Go to the website for details, but here is a brief synopsis. Thanks to Rick at IWW for this.

“We ask that email submissions comprise a brief covering note and synopsis andnot a full manuscripts. Please do not send attachments, please write out your cover note and synopsis in the body of the email. We remain unable to accept hard copy submissions and will not return or be responsible for the safety of any that we do receive, so please do not send any original or hard copy manuscripts to us. We will not contact you with feedback on your submission and will only enter into email correspondence with you if an editor within Penguin is keen to progress your idea.”

Good luck with your submissons! I'm off to email mine.

Achieving Goals

2010-08-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

August 8, 2010

In May I decided I'd had enough of being out of shape, having the arteries of a 66 year old woman, and none of my clothes fitting. I finally set my mind to do something about it and made it a priority. I am now back in my clothes, 15 pounds lighter and much more muscular. My cholesteral, previously 328 is now normal. All in less than three months after whining for three years about how hard it is to write and stay fit.

My writing did suffer. I wrote two novels in a little over a year and now my writing is much slower. But life is better.

So what now? Setting goals seems to work for me. I am determined to send out queries for Deceptions, keep my fitness level and maybe improve it, run a 5K in September, and start another book.

But more than that, I want to be kinder to this world. Each week I want to do something, no matter how small, to make the world a better place. So I'm going to focus on that for a while, until it's part of my routine. First I'll need to be more mindful of opportunities. Routine daily actions like recycling count. But I can only count it once for the week.

I'm also ready to have more experiences. I have so many blessings and I don't need any more material things. I need to sell or give away some of what I have. But as the New York Times pointed out today, happiness lie in relationships and experiences. I can have more of both if I spend less, work less. That's where I'm headed.

Writing From Within

2010-07-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

Constantina Boudouvas, a wonderfully grounded friend and a gifted therapist, and I are starting a group for writers--Writing From Within. On February 11 and 12 we will offer our first writers' retreat, Mindfulness for Writers. It will be an experiential workshop and the sharing of writing will be optional. Critiques will not be given as the focus is getting the words on the page and digging deep for inspiration and awareness through mindfulness.

Our location will offer a peaceful, forested setting including trails and a labyrinth for mindfulness walks. Attendance will be limited to a small group.

Writing is a solitary activity. And the heart of writing is to get to guts of life, put the reader inside your characters and let the reader walk down the streets of the location you've chosen. You want to write the glint of light hitting seashells (a play on Chekov's quotation) not moonshine. This writing comes from awareness and knowing without boundaries. Being fully prsent for life. Mindfulness is an avenue to get there.

Brochures will be available soon.

Bitten Deep by Sariah Choucair

2010-04-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

April 27, 2010

The following blog captured the Sirenland experience so beautifully. I'm posting it here with the permission of the author, a very talented writer. Please check out her blog at http://yellsoftly.com/2010/03/30/bitten-deep/

Bitten Deep

Posted on March 30, 2010 by Sariah Choucair

A last attempt: the language is a dialect called metaphor.
These images go unglossed: hair, glacier, flashlight.
When I think of a landscape I am thinking of a time.
When I talk of taking a trip I mean forever.
I could say: those mountains have a meaning
but further than that I could not say.

To do something very common, in my own way.

-Excerpt from “A Valediction Forbidding Mourning” by Adrienne Rich

————————————————-

What can I say about Positano? Should I tell you about the way the sky melds with the sea, a steel dome enclosing pastel homes stacked like pastry boxes and the turquoise water that rolls over black sand beaches? Perhaps you’d rather hear about watching the tide come in on my last night there, or how the waiters moved in crisp white jackets among jewel-like lemon trees in the dining room draped with ivy? I could inadequately describe steamed milk and perfect coffee served from silver pitchers or the endless glasses of golden prosecco passed by gentlemen with tender eyes, like Roberto.

If I was ambitious I could tell you about the people, my fellow writers and, now, friends. I could start with the children, pure treasures wrapped in small packages named Jacob and Lucy, who told me (rightly) “you really must try the vanilla gelato” and who, when one evening became so wonderful I thought my heart would break, allowed me to sit with them, listen to their dreams of being writers, designers, and a “pilot who writes pilots,” and give them scenarios to test their acting chops.

I could move on, then, to the adults who imprinted themselves in my heart like handprints in soft plaster, the women and men who would humor my overwrought simile because they experienced it, too. And it is here your narrator finds herself, at last, without words because they were so wonderful, they were so kind, they were so fantastic.

Wise writers tell you to write about things from a distance. Wise writers tell you to avoid writing about topics previously covered by John Steinbeck. I am not wise.

I don’t want distance from Sirenland. I want to hold it in my hands, a diorama, a silver snowglobe that I can shake and then peek through a crack in the silver dome to remember, perfectly, what it was to be there. I will conjure rigorous mornings spent with writers I admired; an afternoon spent writing and sipping espresso on a cast iron deck over the Mediterranean; late night chats and farewell dance parties; the realization of the friendship of a lifetime; the life-changing realization that, in the end, there is always the work and that this work of putting words on a page is mine.

I don’t have a silver snowglobe, but I do have a perfectly smooth wishing stone picked from the beach by an amazing teacher. This morning I roll the stone between my palms, fight sleep, and write.

- – - – - - - – -

The title refers to this famous quote from Steinbeck’s essay: “Positano bites deep. It is a dream place that isn’t quite real when you are there and becomes beckoningly real after you have gone.”

Barcelona

2010-03-31T23:16:00.000-07:00

Staying in one place for a week has definite advantages over hopping from place to place. I know the rhythm of this city, have a favorite restaurant, and the days are easy, not rushed. Having time that isn't packed to overflowing with tasks or even want-tos is so refreshing.

Barcelona is a city for walking. My feet have covered miles of sidewalk and going somewhere beats the treadmill by far. Bicycles are everywhere and the government supplies bicycle stands with bikes to take from one place to another (they encourage use for a half hour at at time) and a biking path on the road. The crosswalks have a bicycle light as well as a pedestrian light. Lunch is around 2 and dinner at 8 or after and they eat for hours. Waiters don't bring the check until you ask for it. To do otherwise would be considered rude. There are very few fast food restaurants: I've seen one Burger King and one McDonald's. I've not seen a single convenience store offering sodas, candy, and chips though there are small groceries with fresh veggies and fruits. I don't think they snack.

And you see very few overweight people. Except in the hotel.

Sirenland

2010-03-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

Only one day left.

I've fallen down the rabbit hole to a land of beauty, good food, wine, and constant talk of writing, learning about writing. The workshops have been wonderful and for the first time in my life I spent three and a quarter hours eating lunch. I'm full, nourished, tended to and I'm ready to write.

I'll always have Positano.

When Dreams Come True

2010-03-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I heard that a publishing company would offer a contract for a nonfiction book I wrote with coauthor Melissa Cook. A few months ago I learned I had been accepted at Sirenland, a compeititive writers conference in Positano, Italy. You would think I would jump up and down for joy.

I had the same reaction for both events, though stronger for the book contract. I wasn't happy at all. In fact, sad and scared would be more accuratem after I recovered from the shock. I was comfortable with my view of myself as someone who wrote hopefully but would never be published. I believed I would never really be a writer. It was a dream and an inconcieveable reality. Having a contract meant all the work involved in completing the book. Could I actually do it? What if I couldn't? What if in half the pages necessary I'd said all I had to say?

Weeks later I am esctatic. Now I am over the top with excitement. I will be published. I did it. How funny that having dreams come true scares the heck out of me.

Elephants in the Closet

2010-03-13T06:52:00.000-08:00

I am currently working on my second nonfiction book with a psychologist from North Carolina, Dr. Stephanie Wright. The book is an effort to help survivors of domestic violence and hopefully have an impact on preventing family violence. Part of the book includes the views and opinons of the general public about the issue. We need more questionnaires completed. If you are willing to help, the questionnaire is at

http://bit.ly/gDAKK. Thanks so very much.

The Gift of Validation

2010-03-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

I learned last week that the book I am writing with Melissa Cook will be published in the Fall of 2011. I am so excited!

Living with Intention

2010-03-01T04:18:00.000-08:00

Dani Shapiro's book Devotion is about her journey to create a life that she wanted to live, to find answers about spirituality that made sense to her. She paid attention to what was important to her and began living purposefully, spending her time according to those values.

The idea is not a new one, though the words to express it may change. Living your priorities, act don't react, living mindfully, living consciously, purposeful living, living with intention, self actualization, the value driven life--all the same idea.

Beyond survival, and there are too many people who don't have the luxury of deciding how they want to live, life offers so many distractions. We work, buy, set up schedules for ourselves, make commitments, establish a lifestyle and maybe dream about our next vacation. Yet despite our knowledge of our limited time, many of us don't live.

I'm good at goal setting. I decide to do something, I usually do it. But accomplishing tasks is different from being different, living differently, living the way you want to live versus doing what you want to do. I'm not so good at that.

Sometimes living intentionally means giving up a part of your life you love to have time or the space for a commitment you want more. The giving up must often come first and without certainty that the new addition will be as rewarding. Often it means you can't go back. That's not an easy choice to make.

So we watch television, we plan for retirement, we live half aware because the choices are too scary and it's easier to stay with what we know than to risk the unknown.

Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living. The too closely examined life with no action may not be living. We each make our choices and find our own answers and for right now I'm okay with knowing I'm making a choice, even if it might be to go slowly down a new path so there's an option to make a few turns back if I want.

Looking at the White-Hot Center of Herself

2010-02-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

In her memoir Devotion, Dani Shapiro describes entering what Jung called the “afternoon of life,” a time to seek answers and meaning. When her son asks her “What is sin?” Dani begins a journey to “do better,” to answer her son’s, and her own, spiritual questions with examined knowledge.

Shapiro’s life is ridden with anxiety. The losses in her life have hit unexpectedly, in unpredictable ways, stripping her of the comfort of denial and creating a keen awareness of what might happen at any moment. A constant hyper alert stance and a wound-up nature both exhausts her and robs her of sleep. There are few times when she’s not anticipating crisis.

A Japanese filmmaker once said artists must be willing to look at the white-hot center of themselves and not turn away. Shapiro doesn’t turn away. She faces what she fears, including resolving her relationship with her ultra critical mother and her infant son’s unusual life threatening illness, and with courage finds her own answers, put together in her own way. Her teachers include a rabbi, a Buddhist and a yogi.

Shapiro’s path to finding her spiritual beliefs, may not answer your questions, and probably shouldn’t, but the combination of beliefs she examines make perfect sense for her, mirroring her life and her heritage from the generations before her.

Shapiro writes with what appears to be raw honesty, allowing readers to share her most intimate thoughts and by example inspiring similar growth in others.

Creating Happiness: Learn Something New

2010-02-07T14:04:00.000-08:00

For us who are of baby boomer age, it is humbling to be a beginner at anything. Playing guitar, writing, painting, speaking a new language--it doesn't matter. The image of the successful gray-hair is to be wise and to have learned life's secrets. So to keep that image we must stick to what we know or think we know. The wonder of a child discovering new aspects of the world is not so appealing in someone whose face is wrinkled, though I'm not sure why.

Having a beginner's mind means always being willing to learn. There is so much I want to learn I don't think I'll ever get to it all. Thank goodness I've become quite adept at saying "I don't know how to do this" and "I'm a beginner."

Being a beginner is a relief in many ways. Once I announce that I don't know, expectations of others are gone. Not being the expert is freeing. I'm tempted to not know anything at all about everything forever, but that wouldn't really work.

Learning something new brings a sense of growth and accomplishment. As long as we're growing we're not just dying.

If you are working on your increasing your own happiness, try learning something new. Maybe just something small everyday.

You Are Invalidating When You Say...

2010-01-30T17:30:00.000-08:00

Part of the job of parenting is to help your child develop a sense of who he or she is and an ability to trust their own internal experience. This means they think for themselves and trust their own decisions instead of following the crowd of teenagers who seem to think it's a good idea to drive a hundred miles an hour down the freeway, racing friends in another car. To help kids develop this strength and sense of self, parents validate their thoughts and feelings. It means they tell their kids that what they think, feel, believe, and experiences is real, logical and understandable. Yet parents are human and invalidating comments leak from their mouths, maybe even drenched in sarcasm. Invalidation is to reject ignore, mock, judge, or diminish someone's feeling or thoughts.

Recognizing invalidating statements, words that tell your child that he doesn't think or feel in the right way and he must never listen to himself because of this failing, often fall into the following categories:

Trying to get the child to question himself. What were you thinking is an example. In other words, you're an idiot. Hardly builds the child's confidence in his decision making skills.

Ordering the child to feel differently. Stop crying. Smile. How can you be friends with... In other words, don't feel the way you feel.

Debating: That's not true. How can you say that.

Inducing guilt: I tried to help you. You are making everyone else miserable.

Judging and Labeling: You're such a baby. You are too sensitive.

Telling the child how he should feel: You should be thrilled. You should be grateful.

Defending the other person: I'm sure you must have done something for him to react that way. Maybe she was just having a bad day.

The first step is awareness. Even and perhaps especially well-intentioned parents can be invalidating, because they don't want their childrent to be unhappy. Facing suffering is a skill that must be learned. You can't protect your child from suffering in life, so consider how to prepare them to best handle it.

Validations for Valentines Day

2010-01-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

One of the most important skills for parents is the ability to validate their children's thoughts and feelings. Validation means recognizing that that another person's internal experience is true and has value even if we don't see it the same way. For example, a child screams for candy, saying that he must have it or his day is ruined. No adult would think that way. In fact, the child probably sounds spoiled to most people. But feelings and thoughts aren't wrong to have. Acting on them is a different story of course.

Validation means saying, without sarcasm, that you understand that he wants the candy desperately and believes his day will be ruined if he doesn't get it. But you're not going to buy it. You've just scored mega points on psychological parenting and helped your child develop his sense of self.

Validation is the way kids learn to trust their own internal thoughts and feelings. When they are repeatedly invalidated they learn they don't know the right way to feel or think and turn to others instead of paying attention to their own internal guide. This means a higher vulnerability to peer pressure and influence.

Validating doesn't mean you agree. It just means you acknowledge their experience. Like telling your best friend you understand why she hates her ex-husband's new bride even though you think the woman's pretty together. Provided it's the truth. Validation is always the truth.

For Valentine's Day, think of validations you'd give to those you love. What is the truth about their personality, their infuence on your life. That's a gratitude validation. It's powerful.

Collecting Memories

2010-01-24T15:49:00.000-08:00

Positive Psychology researchers say one of the strategies for increasing your overall level of happiness is to collect positive memories. The brain tends to naturally remember negative events more than positive ones so some effort is required to register the positive events in your pleasure bank. How to do this? Collect pictures or momentos and look through them. Savor the experiences when you are having them. Focus on every smell, touch, view, feeling. Tell others about your experience, share it. That's part of savoring it. Experiencing positive feelings is part of our resilency, a time for building our survival skills, extending our awareness, much like lion cubs play fighting. We are able to take in more information when having positive feelings and have a heightened ability to accept new experiences. Some say it's evolution at work. For survival, the mind had to narrow and focus during times of crisis. When safe, the mind could relax. But some stay stuck in crisis mode, for lots of reasons. If that happens, rebuilding time is lost. So play, chatting with your friends and having fun is critical to survival. I knew it all along.

Establishing An Author's Platform

2010-01-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

Making a Literary Life
   For today's writer there is a push to establish a platform or a way to actively partner with the publisher in marketing the book to be published. The usual advice is to get as many followers as possible on Twitter and Facebook and to establish a blog that has a wide following. Joining Shelfari and Goodreads is also a way to build an audience of readers who hopefully want to buy your book. Speaking to groups and offering workshops relevant to the book are also recommended.

   I asked Facebook members and the participants at Internet Writing Workshop and the Bookshed about ways they knew to establish an author's platform. Lots of wonderful ideas were offered. And there was lots of discussion about what happens when the author successfully builds his own audience. Interesting thoughts about people like Stephen King and Dan Brown. What if they self published?

   Carolyn See's book offers the best written advice I have found. Creative and original, her ideas take some guts to do, but that's the way to glory, at least that's what I've heard. If you read it I'd be interested in what you think.

Only Four Choices to All Life's Issues

2010-01-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

Something Bothering You? Only Four Things You Can Do

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D., is a research-based therapy full of useful psychological facts. One energy saving realization is that no matter what's going on, there are only four things you can do. I love the simplicity of that. First, you can solve the problem. Come up with a solution. Brainstorm all the possibilities you can. Then challenge those solutions. What could happen to make them ineffective. Then implement the solution that fits you best, with a plan to deal with the roadblocks that are predictable. Second, you can change your perception of the problem. If you can't get rid of the banana trees in your yard, then learn to love those banana trees. Third, you can radically accept what is going on. This means completely accepting the way things are. You don't have to agree, or like what is happening, but you fully accept it. This is a lot like que sera, sera and letting go of what you can't control. Fourth, you can stay miserable.

Your choice.

Cheerleading

2010-01-12T22:46:00.000-08:00

Athletics is one of the most competitive, achievement-oriented arenas we have. Every performance is a win-lose with immediate feedback. Listen to the interviews with the contestants. Even when they are disappointed with the results, they talk about what they've learned and how they will do better next time. You don't hear them saying what losers they are. There is a reason cheerleaders, from high school to professional squads, chant encouraging words. If "You'll never make, might as well give up now" helped their team win the game, for sure that's what you would hear them say. That's not what happens. Words affect your performance, your mood, your life. Try saying "I'm so depressed" all day long or "I can't do anything right." Watch what happens. You don't even have to believe it and it will change your action and mood. Do it your entire life and you are living those words. If you want to live your best life, cheerlead yourself. Encourage yourself, learn from your mistakes and problem solve. Remember to tell yourself it's okay to make mistakes, when you've just made one. Stop the verbal trashing and watch what happens.

The Happiness Factor

2010-01-09T13:36:00.000-08:00

January 9, 2010

In the beginning (hmm that sounds familiar) psychology focused on understanding all emotions, not just those related to pathology. The War changed all that. Scientists needed to address post-traumatic stress disorder, understand how to treat it, in order to help veterans suffering flashbacks and depression from their experiences in battle. Psychologists developed a deep understanding of difficult emotions: anxiety, anger, depression. Little attention was paid to contentment, happiness, pleasure, and satisfaction.

Is that part of how cynical became the preferred emotional accessory? Smiling, happy people viewed as dumb, unsophisticated while the brooding skeptic, weary of the world’s offerings, was the intellectual, the realist?

Maybe that’s changing. Psychology has gradually returned to understanding the importance of contentment and happiness. Thank goodness. If emotions are information that we need to live our lives, leaving out the positive surely handicaps us. Indeed it does.

Turns out positive emotions play a critical role in our emotional health. When we’re content, that’s when we build resilency. We bank the positive for use when we need it. It also allows us to think in a broader way, more open to information. We can better build relationships during our happy times.

Happy people, it turns out, tend to be more intelligent and accomplished, not less. They are also realistic in their assessments of the world. Happiness over the long term is not about the joy of the moment, but about building a life with meaning. Meditation, acts of service, relationships are all building blocks.

Though we all have spontaneous moments of happiness, the foundation of a happy life is the result of effort and work. Some people are biologically predisposed to have a higher happiness set point than others and less work will be required to maintain a happy view. Others may have to work to elevate their set point, but it can be done.

Recovering from depression does not necessarily mean happiness. Working on adding meaning to your life may be necessary to prevent relapse and to build the life you want. Understanding happiness can be helpful to those who suffer from depression as well as the person who simply wants to improve their life. Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Projectis one example of research-based information hitting the general market.

Step One in elevating your happiness set point is to develop an attitude of gratitude. Practice each day listing three events or people you are grateful for in your life. Be as specific as possible. Write them down, track your progress for a couple of months. Thinking of these each night before you go to bed can add significantly to your happiness quotient.

If you are interested in more of the steps to happiness recommended by researchers in positive psychology, try this free ebook:

http://bit.ly/8tnugt

The Novel Bookworm: Friday Finds!

2009-08-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

The Novel Bookworm: Friday Finds!

A really good and different book. I think you'll like it. Have you read Bufflehead Sisters?

Book Review

2009-07-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

Beyond Trauma: Conversations on Traumatic Incident Reduction

If you are interested in an overview of Traumatic Incident Reduction model of treating traumatic experiences, read Beyond Trauma. The book offers a compilation of comments, experiences, and explanations of Tramatic Incident Reduction (TIR) and addresses the use of TIR in various types of trauma, including that of soldiers, people feeling grief and loss, victims of crimes, the incarcerated, survivors of terrorism, accident victims, and children. Treatment of phobias and anxiety is also covered. The components of TIR, including cognitive restructuring, and desensitization, are discussed.

The technique is person-centered, highly structured, and brief. The therapist does not offer any interpretations, only instructions to view a traumatic incident from beginning through the end. The book gives transcripts of the same story as it is retold, allowing the reader to see how the story changes as the person retells it.

The TIR model adheres to the idea that permanent resolution of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is possible, but depends on the recovery of repressed memories

(Anamnesis). It is viewed as a simple technique and is taught to lay people as well as psychiatrists, social workers, pastors, nurses and other mental health professionals.

TIR is described from different perspectives, including that of practitioners and those whose suffering has been alleviated by it. Transcripts of sessions are included as are the rules of practice. In addition, TIR is compared to other treatment techniques. Many success stories are included. Patients are cured and clinicians report that the effectiveness of TIR is beyond their expectations. This book addresses the myth that people who suffer from trauma cannot recover and must remain scarred and helpless for life.

People with a history of trauma and mental health professionals are the target audience. The purpose is to educate them about the effectiveness of the technique. Some concepts are complicated, however, and the explanation of trauma is not easy to comprehend. The lay reader probably will benefit most from the stories of victims and how the therapy led to recovery.

A proponent of TIR edited this book and practitioners who advocate TIR wrote the articles. Some research studies are reported, but case studies are the main focus.

Book Review: Everyday Greatness

2009-07-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

Insights and Commentary by Stephen R. Covey

Compiled by David K. Hatch

In his introduction, Stephen Covey states the outcomes he hoped to achieve with this book. First, he wanted the reader to relax and enjoy reading the book, that the information would be reassuring, comforting and uplifting. Second, he hoped the book would be inspiring to those who read it. Third, he hoped the collection of stories would arouse passion for being a transition person, someone who breaks the flow of negative traditions or practices from one generation to another.

To achieve these goals, this book offers stories, reflections, and quotations about everyday greatness. Everyday greatness is defined as being a person, who chooses to act rather than be acted upon, and chooses to act for meaningful and honorable purposes and acts in accordance with proven principles.

Does the book achieve these goals? The first goal of being an enjoyable read is easily achieved. The book is like a comfortable blanket to wrap up in when you have a moment, but it will wait for you when you have other things to do. Like the stories in Reader’s Digest, the entries complied are short, make a point, and don’t raise your blood pressure. It could be a reference book, one you read when you have a few moments and want to be inspired. The stories and quotations encourage you to be your best. Is the book inspirational? Absolutely. Not all the stories will be effective with all readers, but the variety of offerings means there should be a piece that speaks to each person. Finally, does the book arouse passion to break a negative cycle? Clearly, it does. The stories are of famous people, such as Walt Disney, Charles Dickens and Norman Rockwell to name just three, but also about everyday people like your neighbor, or like you, who make a difference by living the three characteristics of everyday greatness. As you read, you’ll realize you have what it takes to exhibit everyday greatness and what a powerful impact that can make.

Member of Thomas Nelson's Book Review Blogger Program: http://brb.thomasnelson.com/

2009-07-18T18:42:00.001-07:00

An Almost Perfect Murder

By Gary King

The July 2006 murder of Kathy Augustine made headlines. She was a high profile, dominating political figure in Reno, Nevada, who made history by being the first woman elected state controller. She had her photo taken with both President George Bush and his son President George W. Bush, survived an impeachment process, and in 2004 was a finalist for the office of Secretary of the Treasury of the United States. She had a history of using less than above board political tactics. A Republican Party colleague stated publicly he considered her an embarrassment to the party. Nevertheless, she could win elections and had an impressive resume.

Her husband, whom she was divorcing, died in 2003, and three weeks later Kathy married a former bodybuilder, Chaz Higgs. After being married for three years, they discussed divorce, and Chaz flirted with another woman. Then Kathy died of an apparent heart attack. Based on a tip from the woman Chaz had been flirting with, the police looked for poisoning by succinylcholine. Based mainly on the FBI finding traces of that chemical in her urine, Chaz Higgs was charged with the murder of Kathy Augustine.

King's account of the investigation and the trial of Chaz Higgs for Augustine's murder is detailed and interesting, though the facts related in the beginning of the book flow less smoothly than his writing about the trial. He repeats facts, particularly in describing succinylcholine effects, which interferes with the pacing of the story at times. Nevertheless, it is a fascinating read.

Gottman's Four Horseman of the Apocalypse

2009-07-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

John Gottman, a psychologist and a researcher, is able to predict within three minutes which relationships will survive over the years and which will not, with about 94% accuracy. He identified four characteristics that are lethal to commitment and one of those characteristics is the presence of what he calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse in the couple's communication style. The four horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling 1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. "You never" and "You always" signal someone is using this tactic. Instead of addressing the issue, the partner is blamed for lacking in some way. An example is saying "You never take out the trash. You always expect me to do all the work." The correction is to address the issue that concerns you and not blame the person: "Could you find a way to remember to take out the trash? It annoys me when you forget and I have to rush to get it out before I leave for work." 2. Contempt: Communicating in a way that you look down on your spouse, expressing distain. The use of sarcasm and ridicule indicates contempt is in play. Contempt must be eliminated and replaced with respect. An example is as follows: "I've lost all respect for you. You are a poor excuse for a human being." 3. Defensiveness: Seeing yourself as the victim, warding off a perceived attack from your partner, you offer excuses and explanations. When you constantly deflect issues brought up by your partner, you are ignoring his or her concerns. "I meant to get the materials you needed but I ran out of time. You wouldn't believe my day. You don't appreciate how busy I am." Learning to listen and accept your partner's point of view is necessary to repair the relationship stressed by defensiveness. 4. Stonewalling: When you stonewall, you avoid conflict by shutting down, refusing to talk or engage with your partner, either because you don't know your own feelings or because you are afraid of direct discussion. Staring at the television when your spouse is bringing up an issue of concern or walking out of the room, refusing to talk are examples of stonewalling. Learning to problem solve together is the repair for this horseman.

Review Published

2009-07-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

My review of Bufflehead Sisters has been published at www.TheNewBookReview.blogspot.com. Please check it out, leave a message to support the author of this book. Thanks!

Bufflehead Sisters

2009-07-12T13:05:00.000-07:00

Book Review

Janet lives an ordinary life with an ordinary family, growing up against a backdrop of the Vietnam War and the growth of the drug culture. Her parents struggle for a balance between compassion and control and Janet yearns for a sister, a Thelma for her Louise. Then Sophie enters her life. Delois has Janet describe Sophie as follows: "Her hair was a nest of blond curls that made me think of Goldilocks, and there was a smug look about her mouth that suggested she might have already helped herself to someone's porridge and found it just right." DeLois writes with a magic wand. "One day in late winter, Sophie suggested we dig our way to another country. Not China, she said--they would look for us there. We would dig a hole halfway to China, and then we would veer off toward Amsterdam." DeLois enters the world of two children and shows the reader both how Sophie viewed her dysfunctional family and how Janet viewed her own parents as well as her relationship with the Sophie. The author is as adept at showing the child's view as she is the adolescent view. The imagery she creates is so realistic you'll think you're back in your high school lunchroom, hoping against hope a certain boy will sit with you. A coming of age story, a book about heartbreak and the ways women and men struggle with their wounds, and a tale of everyday lives, Bufflehead Sisters is all that. You may see yourself in the pages. There's something special about Sophie. Every one who meets her thinks so. This reader agrees.

Bufflehead Sisters

2009-07-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

Book Review

Janet lives an ordinary life with an ordinary family, growing up against a backdrop of the

Vietnam War and the growth of the drug culture. Her parents struggle for a balance between compassion and control and Janet yearns for a sister, a Thelma for her Louise. Then Sophie enters her life. Delois has Janet describe Sophie as follows: "Her hair was a nest of blond curls that made me think of Goldilocks, and there was a smug look about her mouth that suggested she might have already helped herself to someone's porridge and found it just right." DeLois writes with a magic wand. "One day in late winter, Sophie suggested we dig our way to another country. Not China, she said--they would look for us there. We would dig a hole halfway to China, and then we would veer off toward Amsterdam." DeLois enters the world of two children and shows the reader both how Sophie viewed her dysfunctional family and how Janet viewed her own parents as well as her relationship with the Sophie. The author is as adept at showing the child's view as she is the adolescent view. The imagery she creates is so realistic you'll think you're back in your high school lunchroom, hoping against hope a certain boy will sit with you. A coming of age story, a book about heartbreak and the ways women and men struggle with their wounds, and a tale of everyday lives, Bufflehead Sisters is all that. You may see yourself in the pages. There's something special about Sophie. Every one who meets her thinks so. This reader agrees.

Something Bothering You? Only Four Things You Can Do

2009-07-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

First, you can solve the problem. Come up with a solution. Brainstorm all the possibilities you can. Then challenge those solutions. What could happen to make them ineffective. Then implement the solution that fits you best, with a plan to deal with the roadblocks that are predictable.

Second, you can change your perception of the problem. If you can’t get rid of the banana trees in your yard, then learn to love those banana trees.

Third, you can radically accept what is going on. This means completely accepting the way things are. You don’t have to agree, or like what is happening, but you fully accept it. This is a lot like que sera, sera and letting go of what you can’t control.

Fourth, you can stay miserable.

Your choice.

Feeling the Heat

2009-07-12T05:11:00.000-07:00

It's hot in Texas. That's not news. We tolerate the heat in July and August, it's expected. That water-logged, so heavy you can't breathe heat is the price we pay for the beautiful 70's we have in December. But this is June and already I see the blue burn of heat rising from the road before me when I drive to work. The sun's rays are so bright they hurt my eyes when I'm out after ten a.m., even through the tinted windshield of my air conditioned car which moves me from one artificially cooled building to another. This weather is unexpected, atypical. So I give myself permission to complain. It's times like this I wonder why I live here. I love mountains, they're bred into me. I love jagged, rock encrusted cliffs and tall, billowing trees. I seek out secluded nooks in forests and meadows filled with flowers. I crave the feel of soft grass under my bare feet, or warm sand with ocean waves washing over. I need stars in the sky to wish on. I delight in chasing lightening bugs and letting them go. I adore open windows with the breeze flowing through the house and the chatter of birds catching my ear. Looking for miles without seeing another building is freeing. My environment can define my mood, and cacti do not warm my heart. Someone said you grow where you're planted. Transplanting a root bound life is not easy. Colleges should offer courses on the importance of deciding where to plant yourself. I'm going to a naturopath on Friday. Maybe she has an answer. All this because it's too hot outside.