The Complexity of Emotions as Shown in Equations

Having multiple tools for managing emotions is important for the emotionally sensitive. Different strategies will work for different people at different times in different situations. One way of understanding emotions is through considering them in equation form.

In his book Emotional Equations Chip Conley describes how understanding the connections between your primary emotions, rather than identifying individual emotions, can help you understand yourself, your purpose and your relationships with others.

Conley explains that emotional equations are like grown-up finger painting. If you mix two primary colors, like red and yellow, you get a secondary color, like orange. He notes that primary emotions work together to create secondary and even tertiary emotions.  An emotional equation is like having a reminder of how emotions are related to one another and to thoughts and perceptions. An example of an emotional equation is:

Disappointment = Expectations – Reality.

Being aware of the way emotions come about and their contributing factors helps us make choices about our responses and how to manage the emotions. Conley quotes Victor Frankl who said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”  One way we get that space or pause is from mindfulness.

According to Conley, Matt Lieberman has shown that we temporarily lose 10 – 15 points of our IQ when we are emotional. That is not good news for making decisions. Decreasing the intensity of your emotions to make wise choices is clearly important. The best initial action you can take when feeling emotional is to label your emotion. Just the act of labeling helps your logical brain kick back in gear. Emotional equations help us to label complex interactions of our emotions.
In working through the above equation for disappointment, Conley suggests first determining whether you are experiencing frustration or disappointment. In most situations, you are likely to experience a lot of frustration before moving into disappointment. Frustration would mean you still believe you can influence the outcome.

If that is the case, the response called for is determination and perseverance. The action indicated by frustration is to move forward while the action indicated for disappointment is to retreat. If the outcome is fixed, already clear, then the emotion would be disappointment and the best decision is to accept the disappointment and move on to a different project or task. Perhaps a difficulty for many in letting go is in accepting disappointment. But staying in frustration when the outcome is clear is to create suffering. That would be not accepting reality.
When it becomes evident that an outcome may not be what you expected, a way of coping and letting go may be to  lower your expectations. You may want to give information to others as well so that they can lower their expectations, which will likely help you accept the outcome with less upset. Delaying giving the information to others will likely make the situation worse in most cases.

Consider this equation for jealousy:

                       

                   Jealousy = Mistrust divided by Self-Esteem.                                                                    

Jealousy is the fear of losing something that one has to someone else, often in a romantic situation. The less you trust your partner, the more likely you are to be jealous. Studies have shown that people believed the world was a dangerous place were less trusting than people who were by nature cooperative, trusting and compassionate.

Trust also is based on more personal issues than a world view, such as does your partner tell you the truth and stand by you when times are tough? Has your partner cheated before?  Have you cheated? Those who have cheated are more likely to be able to imagine being cheated on.

Self-esteem is part of feeling jealous. The better you feel about yourself and who you are the less jealous you are likely to be.

Conley shows the relationship between suffering and despair as

Despair = Suffering – Meaning.

Finding meaning seems to sooth suffering and lessen the experience of despair. Right-brained individuals may find meaning through expressing themselves verbally. Left-brainers may work better with writing. But both can transcend suffering by developing a narrative or theme that helps them see how their experience was a learning experience or otherwise had meaning for them, such as a lesson to take away from the experience.

The meaning may also be more concrete. What is it that life expects from you right now?  Do you need to be a role model for your children or family?  How can you help others focus on the meaning and not on the bad news or other reason for suffering?

You may find meaning through describing the way you have grown from the experiences you have had. Consider adjectives that describe new habits or behaviors that you have gained.

Conley’s equations remind us that emotions do not often exist in isolation. Understanding the ways emotions combine and affect each other helps us know how to cope.

To create your own emotional equations, watch Conley’s TED talk or learn more about his work, go to  http://www.emotionalequations.com/.

Reference
Conley, C. (2012) Emotional Equations:Simple Truths for Creating Happiness + Success. New York: Free Press.
 photo credit: mfhiat

Coping With Difficult Emotions, Part 2

In the previous post, Coping With A Stressful Situation: Managing Your Emotions, we discussed the importance of not acting impulsively on your upset emotions. When possible, taking a break until you are calm so your logical mind can be in charge is the best strategy.
What you do during that break is important.

There are actions that will help you manage your emotions effectively and actions that tend to increase your emotional upset. When people are angry or scared or experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, they sometimes feed the emotion, like throwing wood on a bonfire, though that’s not their intention.


Don’t feed the emotion by going over and over the situation. People who are emotionally sensitive are sometimes prone to rumination, meaning  they repeatedly review or replay the event in their head. Rumination is a key variable for depression and tends to increase upset feelings or extend the length of time you are upset.

Though it’s not always the case, rumination is often about worry. As Robert Leahy notes in The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You, productive worry occurs when the worry encourages you to take necessary or prudent action in a situation. Unproductive worry is when there is nothing you can do about the situation, no action you can take to change it.
Most of the time rumination is about unproductive worry. There are many skills to stop unproductive worry and each individual must find what works best for them.

One skill is acceptance. Accepting what happened doesn’t mean that you approve or agree, only that you acknowledge it occurred. You stop wishing it were different, believing it shouldn’t have happened, or blaming others, and accept that it did happen.

Acceptance is also about thoughts. Accepting that you are having a thought that is upsetting to you means to stop fighting the thought or feeling. Each time you experience the thought, you label it, “That’s a thought,” and stop yourself from going down the “what if” path. By doing so, you are recognizing that just because we think something doesn’t mean it is true. Humans have thoughts all the time that aren’t reflective of reality. Many thoughts are about what is out of your control and what might happen, with no evidence at all that the outcome is likely to occur.


Check the evidence is another strategy.  Identify what is most upsetting to you. Do you know if what you are thinking is true or likely to happen? Is there a way to find out?  Be sure you have the facts about the situation.


Visualization can be helpful. For example, you could visualize all your upsetting thoughts being locked in a steel case and buried under the ocean.


Distraction by exercising is a great option. Exercise tends to calm people and help them think more clearly. Distraction by becoming involved in a absorbing activity is also helpful.


Opposite emotion, a skill used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy,  is about doing an activity that creates the opposite emotion to what you are feeling. Watching a comedy show that makes you laugh when you are depressed or anxious, or watching a scary movie when you are angry may be helpful. Thinking of people you love and who love you, or talking with them when you are angry may also work.The idea is to do an activity that creates an opposite emotion to what you are feeling.


Exhaling slowly is a way of calming. Progressive relaxation has been proven effective in lowering anxiety levels.


Don’t feed the emotion by gathering evidence from the past. When people are angry or scared or experiencing an uncomfortable emotion, their minds sometimes look for additional evidence to support the way they feel, maybe to justify their feelings. They remember all the wrongs done to them or they remember other times when someone was hurtful to them. That behavior is  so common it has a term for it–throwing the kitchen sink at someone. Emotions of the past only multiply the intensity of the emotion they are feeling in the present.


Don’t feed the emotion by ignoring the big picture. Often a person’s emotion blinds them to characteristics or actions that don’t support what the person is feeling at the moment. For example, when you’re angry at someone, it is unlikely you’ll think of all the times that person was kind or helpful. Most have experienced this when having an argument with their spouse. For example, let’s say your mate forgot to get the groceries that you needed for a party you were hosting that evening. Most likely you’ll be angry and recall all the other times your partner has not come through for you, forgetting when he or she was helpful or kind. If you do this, then pushing yourself to think of the positive will allow a more balanced view.

To manage your emotions effectively, keep bringing your mind back to the present issue. Focus on what is here and now, one situation at a time. Mindfulness is a good skill to use.


Ask yourself if  the emotion is  justified.  Just like with deciding whether worry is productive or unproductive, check out the facts to see if other emotions you are having are  justified. Is there a reason to be scared or jealous, or angry? If the emotion is justified, then taking planned action based on that information is important. Marsha Linehan suggested this step in Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

Often people experience emotions that aren’t justified by the facts. For example an adult bully may be annoying and unpleasant but not have the power to hurt you. Your reactions may be based more on past experiences than what is happening in the here and now. This doesn’t mean you won’t take action, but you can act with the knowledge that there is no true danger.

Coping With Difficult Emotons

Whether you're dealing with an emotional bully (see previous post about adult bullies) or other difficult situation, one of the first steps is to comfort yourself and manage your emotions.

The part of the brain that is responsible for decision-making and planning cannot function as well when you are filled with emotion. Acting on emotions without the thoughtfulness of the logical part of the brain usually means trouble.

Even when you're in the right about a situation, if you act impulsively and emotionally it's unlikely others will listen. They'll tell you to calm down and don't get so upset. This situation happens frequently for the emotionally sensitive and they soon believe no one listens to them. They also may find themselves reacting first and regretting later.

There are ways to learn to not act immediately on the feeling you are having. Mindfulness is a skill that helps you develop a pause between feeling and acting so you're not ruled by whatever emotion you are experiencing. Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as "Paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally."

Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, lists three How Skills and three What Skills of mindfulness. The What Skills, meaning what you do, observe, describe and participate.

Observe means to see what is present and real without coloring it with interpretation or assumptions. Observe is to see the facts of a situation. Describe is to put words on what you see without judging. You can see that the chair is red. Saying the chair is a horrid shade of red would be a judgment. Participate means to participate fully in events with full awareness of what you are doing. This means you're not daydreaming or half-aware or clouded by emotion that you aren't paying attention to what is actually happening.

The How Skills are how you do the What Skills: One-Mindfully, Nonjudgmentally, and Effectively. One-Mindfully means to do only one thing at a time and to have your attention fully on whatever you are doing. Non-judgmentally means to just experience without labeling good or bad and Effectively means to do what works.

In the case of the adult bully, observing and describing what happened is the first step: doing this in a nonjudgmental way may be difficult. Effectively is key. Regardless of whether the other person is being fair or behaving in reasonable ways, how can you be most effective in coping with his behavior?

Wait until you are calm enough to think clearly. Strong emotions seem to compel people to take some action, whether it's to fight or run away or tend and befriend. The body is poised to act, not think or plan. This system was effective when human surivival depended on avoiding a tiger or a lion, but doesn't work so well in most of the situations people face today.

The urge to do something to protect yourself against a perceived threat can be very strong, but in most situations the urgency is not real. Acting impulsively, without thinking through the action, can make the situation worse. Then one crisis is followed by another and then another. Impulsive efforts to solve the problem usually create more problems. Soon it may seem like your life is one crisis after the other. That can be discouraging and only makes your emotional state worse. Being mindful of your emotions and your internal experience without acting on your urges and impulses is an important skill. You learn that the emotion will pass.

Be Aware of and Name Your Emotions. When you observe and describe your internal state, that is one step in managing your emotions. For some, this means taking time to identify the specific emotions they're feeling: jealousy, hurt, anger, or fear?

Sometimes anger acts as a shield against feeling hurt or scared. Knowing that your anger is a secondary emotion and that your primary emotion is fear will help you manage your feelings effectively. Knowing what you are feeling gives you more of a sense of control and gives you ideas about what action to take.

Some people have great difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings and the bodily sensations that are the basis of emotions. This characteristic is called alexithymia. If someone is alexithymic, then learning how emotions are expressed in the body is important. Sadness is often felt in the throat, chest and belly. Anger is felt in the neck, head, shoulders, hands and arms. Fear is felt in the belly, head, face, chest, and throat.

Sometimes focusing on the body sensation, such as your throat feeling tight, is more helpful than repeating in your head how anxious you are. Saying "I'm so anxious," repeatedly may actually feed the emotion.

These are beginning steps in managing your emotions. Not acting on your emotional urges takes practice, but the peace you gain by not acting impulsively is well worth the practice time.

photo credit: AbigailPhotography

Self-Compassion

Sometimes people who are emotionally sensitive are angry with themselves: angry because they feel different than other people, because they are easily hurt, and sometimes because they feel broken.
Perhaps they've heard that they are too sensitive or overreacting so often that they are angry with their sensitivity. Some emotionally sensitive individuals feel ashamed, like they are less than other people. Some are frustrated that their emotional reactions have gotten in the way of achieving their goals or have hurt relationships they valued. Sometimes there is a feeling of hopelessness and they have retreated from the world, seeing it as too painful.
The anger and shame that people sometimes feel about being emotionally sensitive adds to their suffering and their emotional pain. In addition, fearing being alone, left out or abandoned blocks the joy and pleasant experiences that might otherwise be available.

Our culture's focus on self-esteem, on being the best and/or  gaining the approval of others, may add to the suffering of emotionally sensitive people. This focus encourages continual self-judgments and judgments of others. The emotionally sensitive may be particularly severe  in their judgments of themselves.

People judge themselves harshly for various reasons.  Some have learned from critical people in their lives, internalizing the messages they received so they now say the same negative statements to themselves. They have accepted the judgments of others as the truth. Some individuals may criticize themselves because they believe it will motivate them to do better, though in fact it tends to do the opposite. Others may berate themselves as a form of protection. Maybe if they judge themselves harshly, they can avoid the condemnation of others.
Neff suggests that we stop judging and evaluating ourselves as either good or bad and treat ourselves as kindly as we would a best friend. She encourages people to stop floccinaucinihilipilification, a very long word that means the habit of estimating something as worthless.

Neff asserts that our culture's emphasis on self-esteem is part of the problem of not liking one's self. Self-esteem  is all about judging, an evaluation of  our worthiness, derived from being good (or not) at  doing things we value. For example, self-esteem could be based on being a good cook or an athlete or a scholar.

Self-esteem can also be based on what we perceive as the view others have of us. For emotionally sensitive people in particular, this can be a trap. Given the value our culture has placed on logical thinking, many emotional sensitive people may have a history of being judged negatively for their emotional reactions. This past experience can lead them to anticipate rejection by others and perhaps even believe  been judged when they haven't.

A focus on self-esteem can foster the belief that your value as a person depends on your experiences at any given moment. Are you successful in what you are doing right now? Are others faster than you at running? Did you get an A on your last test?  Are you more or less successful than the person sitting next to you?  At this moment do you sense approval by those around you? Or is a friend angry with you?

Basing your self-worth on the approval or disapproval of others or on your success or failure in the moment leads to constant ups and downs in your view of yourself. With this focus, establishing a solid identity, knowing who you are as a person, would be difficult. In addition, the joy of doing what you love could be lost. Instead of focusing on the enjoyment of running, each race would be about your value as a person. So would evenings out with friends.
When focused on your value as a person, everyday situations become tests of your worth. For example, when going out with friends,you may find yourself promising to not react emotionally, because others judge you negatively for that. Then you use every ounce of self-control you have to push down your emotions until you are safe at home.  Even when you succeed, you might later go over the evening in your head, criticizing yourself for each perceived failure. Or focusing on how your friends acted or what they said, fearful they were judging you.

Neff proposes that self-compassion offers an alternative to the focus on self-esteem. Self-compassion is a form of self-acceptance and would fit in the radical acceptance choice of the four options for what you can do when you face a problem (see previous post, No Matter What the Problem, There's Only Four Things You Can Do). We'll talk more about self-compassion in upcoming posts.



 photo credit: vvonstruen 

Masking Emotions

The world can be a bruising place for emotionally sensitive people. A regular day can feel like being covered in biting, Texas-sized fire ants. A natural response is to do whatever works to avoid the pain of believing others have judged, rejected or left you out. Feeling powerless to stop injustice adds to the hurt. One option is to wear a mask and hide who you really are--anAvoidance Mask.  You know, avoid all the pain and protect your authentic self as well.

An Avoidance Mask is different from a Functional Mask. A Functional Mask is one everyone needs.  That's the one you wear at work when you need to look like you're in charge even though your daughter just eloped with a guy in a rock band.

A Functional Mask is put on for those necessary times, like when famous people don't want to show how sad they are so the tabloids won't figure out they're devastated that they were fired as the star of a movie or television show. With a Functional Mask you feel your feelings and are only temporarily sheilding them from others. Having a functional mask is helpful but often difficult for emotinally sensitive people.  So sometimes they choose more permanent masks in an effort to protect themselves emotionally.

People Pleaser Mask.  The People Pleaser Mask means doing whatever it takes to make other people happy so they'll accept you and be less likely to emotionally attack you. When you have thoughts or feelings or preferences that are different than those of your companions, you shove them down or push them away.
When someone says your friend is a two-faced neanderthal who doesn't know how to dress and belongs to the wrong church, you nod or don't say anything out of fear, terrifying fear, even though you don't agree. Then you feel angry at yourself because you were afraid. You can do this so often that you lose yourself and don't know what your own thoughts and ideas are anymore.


Mask of Anger:  Anger can keep people away from you and protect you from feeling vulnerable. Anger feels more powerful than hurt, fear or sadness and can be used to avoid those painful feelings. Angry people cover up their sensitivity in a way that few people guess that they are sheep dressed in porcupine quills.  Emotionally sensitive people who use the mask of anger are often lonely and feel worthless on the inside.


Happy Mask:  Another way of protecting yourself is to behave as if you're happy all the time. No one ever knows when your feelings are hurt and to the outside world nothing gets you down. Happiness covers your real feelings. You joke and smile even when the lady next to you volunteers you to host the next sit down dinner for the neighborhood right at the time you are expecting six guests from out of town.
Almost any emotion/behavior can be used as a mask.  Maybe you mask insecurity by disliking others or mask sadness by being the life of the party or mask fear by being perfectionistic. Putting on a mask is a way of disappearing--being invisible.
Masks provide some emotional protection in the short run.  But the costs of wearing masks are high. When you wear a mask, you don't really feel the warmth of belonging because others don't really know you. One of the most basic needs people have is to feel connected to other people and that can't happen when you are hidden.
Not only that, but you may wear masks so long you don't really know yourself or what you are feeling. Not knowing yourself creates a lot of anxiety because you can't make decisions and who you are is defined by others or how the day went. Avoiding feelings means you lose part of who you are and increases the liklihood that you'll be depressed or anxious. Plus it's exhausting to wear masks.


Dropping the Mask and Reclaiming Your Identity
1. Make the Decision:  The first step is to decide you want to drop the Avoidance Mask. This means you are committed to taking action even though it may be painful in the beginning. If you aren't sure, make a list of pros and cons--pros and cons of dropping the mask and pros and cons of keeping the mask.
Dropping the mask will not be easy and recognizing the difficulty of this task will help you succeed. Remember taking one step at a time may work best. For example, speaking up about which restaurant you'd prefer for dinner might be one initial step.
2. Focus on Awareness:  If you've lost touch with your own preferences and feelings, spend some time asking yourself what you really think and feel.  Keep asking and keep experimenting--it will come back to you. Consider keeping a journal, writing down what you liked and didn't like each day. Accept your feelings and trust that they will pass.
3.  Be Visible:  Notice if you have the posture of someone who is trying to hide. If you do, stand up straight and let yourself be visible. Begin to express your opinion and thoughts gently, with kindness.
4. Develop New Coping Skills:  Before you drop the mask, it's important to have alternative, more effective  ways to cope with emotional pain.  More about that in future posts.
5.  Face Whatever You've Been Avoiding:  Whatever your thoughts and feelings, they are your thoughts and feelings. Everyone has their own internal experience and yours is likely different from that of your friends'.
Accepting your internal experience instead of avoiding it will allow you to check to see if your feelings have any base in external reality and to choose healthier, more effective ways of coping. Facing the external fears will help you overcome those as well. Being rejected or criticized by others is not pleasant, but you will find out you can survive it. Take small steps, have support, and use alternative coping skills.

photo credit: pietro_C

Learning Acceptance and Finding Peace

In January people evaluate their progress toward goals they made for the past year. Emotionally sensitive people evaluate themselves and wish they were different than they are regardless of what the calendar says. Change can be positive, but sometimes it's learning acceptance that's really needed--acceptance of who you are instead of judging yourself as unworthy and living in fear of being rejected.

Some societies don't understand the concept of judging oneself as unworthy. Our culture tends to be competitive, based on the idea that we have to be "good enough" to succeed, to belong to certain groups, to not be rejected. Many, many years ago being part of a group was necessary for survival. Belonging is still a basic need for everyone.

Mother Teresa once said that the greatest disease of our time was the feeling of not belonging. In a misguided effort to gain acceptance from others, some emotionally sensitive individuals repeatedly criticize and berate themselves. But criticism isn't a good motivator for change and often leads to the person feeling alienated from him or herself in addition to feeling "less than" others.  That adds more suffering.

Acceptance is accepting life on life's terms. Acceptance is also the idea of accepting yourself, with all your human imperfections. That means that instead of fighting your imperfections and your flaws,  you accept them. What's the good in that? Well suffering consists of the pain in life that you have no control over, plus the upset and resistance you have about that pain, which you do have control over. If you stop resisting or avoiding the pain, then you lower your level of suffering.

Emotions build on each other.  So if you feel worried and then you are angry that you are worried, the two emotions combine. Your upset is multiplied. If you feel worried and accept that you are worried, then you only have the original feeling without adding additional emotion to it.

Acceptance doesn't mean giving in to or agreeing with or being passive. Acceptance is the acknowledgement of what is happening within us, acknowledgement of our emotions, that they exist. Acceptance is letting yourself see reality without judging it.  Sometimes acceptance allows you to move forward. Sometimes acceptance leads to change.  Sometimes it doesn't. But acceptance decreases your suffering. When your suffering is lower, you are able to have a more open mind and a broader view of yourself and others. Options may be more clear.

How do you get to acceptance?  In his book, The Mindful Path to Self Compassion,Christopher Germer outlines the steps for acceptance:  aversion, curiosity, tolerance, allowing, and friendship.

Aversion is usually the first step.  This is our resistance to an uncomfortable feeling, our wish to avoid it, even when it's a minor unhappiness. We all have our avoidance behaviors, perhaps drinking too much or overeating or gambling or overworking. We may start to avoid at the first physical sensation of an unwelcome feeling, before we're even aware of what we are feeling.

Sticking with the feeling rather than avoiding is the path to acceptance. Mindfulness is what allows you to stay with the feeling, to create a pause so that you don't push the feeling away without even knowing you are doing it.

Curiosity is wondering about the mood,  trying to figure out what caused it, hoping that we can change it. Sometimes even knowing what the source is doesn't help you change the feeling.

Tolerance means that you endure the mood but wait for it to change, wish it was gone, resist it, perhaps even trying to force cheerfulness. Curiosity and Tolerance require energy and involve discontent in addition to sadness, fear, anger or whatever the original uncomfortable feeling. Keep in mind that for some, happiness can be uncomfortable.

Allowing means letting feelings be, come and go as they will without resistance, judgement, or making building them bigger. This stage brings peacefulness.  This is saying, "It is what it is."  Feelings will pass, though often not immediately.

Friendship is being able to see the value in uncomfortable emotions, perhaps the lesson that you learn from them. For example, sadness about a friend is part of our caring for them, being able to feel connected to others. In this stage you may even be grateful for the uncomfortable feeling.

Accepting  less desirable  feelings takes practice. Being mindful of the here and now,  trusting that you are safe, knowing that emotions come and go, and not engaging in avoidance behavior will gradually bring more peace to your life.

photo credit: ZedZap

Validation Letters for the Holidays

Want to give a gift that someone you love is likely to keep forever and will be meaningful to them for the rest of their lives? Regardless of the relationship, a validation letter is one of the most meaningful gifts you could choose.  Sending a validation letter each year creates a tradition that will serve as a chronicle of the person's life as shared with you.  Writing validation letters for young children serves as another way to communicate their importance to you and how much you love them.  When they are older they will enjoy reading about your experience of their taking their first step, for example.

Validation, according to Steven Hayes, means communicating that you respect, acknowledge and accept who others are and how they became who they are.  Validation is acceptance of the person, without judgment. Validation can focus on emotions, thoughts, or behaviors.  What a gift acceptance without judgment is!

Writing a letter of validation will likely take some thought and time.  Here are some steps to follow:

1.  Make a list of events that happened in the person's life this past year.  These events could be significant like your daughter's first day of school, birthdays, and  trips.  You could also use routine experiences you shared such as date nights with your husband, watching a television show you both enjoy, caring for children together, or

2.  Choose the events to include in the letter.

3.  Beside each event, write your memory of the emotions and thoughts they shared them with you and/or your best guess of their emotions and thoughts.  If you have a photo of the person at the time of the event, you could include that as well, and comment on what you would guess their facial expression means.

4.  Express your understanding of what the event meant to them, given their history,  values, struggles or their goals.

5.  If you experienced a emotional reaction to the event that occurred to them, write about your feelings of their experience--not your own experience of the event.

For an example, imagine that your husband ran his first marathon in 2011.  The paragraph about the race might read as follows:

"I remember when you decided this was the year you would run a marathon. It was Thursday, in March, I believe the 10th.  Your face looked so determined and you sounded committed.  That morning at breakfast you wrote out your training schedule.  Even though you'd never run more than a mile before, you seemed to know you could do this.  I admire that about you, your confidence that you can finish what you start.  Running became a regular part of your day for the next seven months.  At first, you often woke up with sore calves and thighs but as you got stronger you seemed to crave running, like your day wasn't complete without it.  You kept to your schedule regardless of the difficulty of balancing work and the demands of daily living.  When you crossed the finish line, you were breathing hard, dripping sweat, red in the face, and panting. You  couldn't talk for a few minutes, but you were smiling. I think I know what that marathon meant to you.  I can still feel how excited and proud I was when you finished, and for you it meant so much more."

Remember, validation communicates acceptance and acknowledgment of  thoughts, emotions, and behavior.  You don't need to agree--validation doesn't mean endorsement.  Validation is about communicating that the other person is important to you and their thoughts and feelings are important as well.  Validation strengthens relationships. For detailed steps on learning validation, check out The Power of Validation (December 2011, New Harbinger).  Happy Holidays!

Validation and Self-Compassion

 No one gets through life without experiencing emotional pain, whether it's the pain of losing someone you love, the pain of public speaking, the discomfort of being ill, or the disappointment of not achieving cherished goals. Despite the absolute certainty that we will experience pain, most of us do whatever we can to avoid difficult emotions like sadness, hurt and grief, though the difficult emotion for some may be joy or happiness. We numb ourselves with food, alcohol, shopping, work, the computer, sex, drugs, excessive exercise and walk through the world half asleep. Avoiding pain may sound like a great idea--who wants to suffer when you could be pursuing happiness?  The problem is that numbing yourself to difficult feelings limits your ability to get information about your world,  to be emotionally intimate with those you love, and to experience peace. Avoiding also is tiring and limits the energy you have to enjoy life.

 In his book  The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, Christopher Germer, Ph.D. lists five steps in accepting uncomfortable feelings:  Aversion, Curiosity, Tolerance, Allowing and Friendship.  Aversion, the first stage, is when we try to deny the difficult feeling, resist feeling it, or ruminate about how to get rid of it.  Germer proposes a new way of relating to feelings, one that is more accepting and compassionate. He sees accepting feelings as a path to peace and freedom from anxiety and depression.

Those who have avoided feelings for long periods of  time may have a generalized fear of emotions, having forgotten what they were originally avoiding. Or perhaps they believe themselves to be unlovable, permanently flawed, or broken and cannot bear to look at themselves or have anyone else know their internal experience for fear their secret will be revealed. By continuing to avoid they never learn that they are simply human, like the rest of us.

Acceptance is fabulous. The bigger question for many is how to accept?  How do you accept anything about yourself when you can't list a single positive characteristic and on a very basic level you loathe who you are?

I think the answer is validation. Once a person is mindful of their emotions, validation gives the road map to acceptance. When you validate you acknowledge that whatever feelings and thoughts you have are the feelings and thoughts you have.  In addition, the levels of validation (Linehan 1993) give concrete ways to practice validation whether you love yourself or not.  Being present, Accurate Reflection,  Articulating the Unsaid, Validation in Terms of Past Experience or Biology, Normalizing, and Radical Genuineness are guidelines to looking at your internal experience in an effective way, without judgments. Being Present would mean not running from the feeling and accurate reflection is labeling and observing what you are experiencing.  Articulating the unsaid is making a guess about what you are experiencing when you aren't certain and checking the facts of that guess.  Validation in Terms of Past Experience or Biology takes into account that your temperament, current physical status, and the experiences you've had all contribute to your view of the world, sometimes in defining ways.  Finally, radical genuineness with yourself means knowing that others have had similar experiences and that your experience is understandable to other human beings.

The Power of Validation

The Power of Validation is published!  While written as a parenting book focused on young children, the book teaches the steps of validation and can be used by anyone who wants to improve their relationships, by families of those with borderline personality disorder, and by anyone who wants to learn to validate him or herself.

When Family Members Don't Like Their Loved One with BPD

One of the most difficult feelings to acknowledge is not liking your loved one who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).  If you have experienced these feelings, please know that you are not alone and it is a very difficult situation with many possible causes. How to manage these feelings is an important, complex question with many different possible causes and options.

First consider what has led to these feelings? Maybe you can pinpoint the one thing that if it didn’t exist you wouldn’t feel the way you do? Knowing the source of your feelings helps to clarify the options.  That is the first step.  I’ve listed some possibilities below:


1.   Can you remember what your daughter was like before her symptoms became more dominant?  Can you separate her personality from her disorder? Because the disorder is so difficult and overwhelming, sometimes BPD becomes all we see even though if we look more carefully we can see the person separate from the disorder.  Maybe take some time and list the symptoms of BPD and then list the behaviors that your daughter displays that fit the symptoms.  Then write down the her  personality characteristics that are not symptoms of BPD.

If what you don’t like is the disorder, maybe try to increase opportunities to interact with her when her symptoms are less prominent.  This may not be easy to do, but sometimes the disorder is so demanding that when someone is doing better families breath a sigh of relief that they can pay attention to other people and other needs.  Thus they don’t get to experience the person who has BPD when s/he is doing well.

While absolutely normal and understandable, interacting only when the person with BPD is experiencing difficulty sometimes leads to increased symptoms on the part of the person with BPD (not conscious) because they feel abandoned when they are doing better.  The connection with parents can become about discord. Feeling attached through anger is better than no attachment for the person with BPD.  This can be very wearing on parents and other family members.  If this is the case, then it is possible (though a lot of work) to change this pattern.

2.  Is it is a question of her behavior or choices being contradictory to your values?  If so, then is her behavior reflective of her values or her disorder? Do you understand the reasons she is behaving the way she does?  Understanding the reasons someone behaves the way they do sometimes helps us accept though not approve or support.  Is it possible to dislike the behavior but love the person?  And if her choices do reflect different values, can you find acceptance that she believes differently than you?

3.  Is it her behavior toward you that is the final straw?  As a behaviorist, I believe that all behavior has a purpose, even when it is part of a disorder.  Can you identify what purpose her behavior toward you might have? What does her behavior toward you accomplish for her (such as increased contact with you as noted in number 1)?   After the reason for the behavior is known, then changes in the results of the behavior can change  the behavior.

4.  Are you experiencing chronic stress or compassion burnout?  Not liking someone we used to like, someone we’ve given a lot of time and energy to, is a common symptom of both of these situations.  It may be that you need to set more limits, give yourself more breaks, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.  Finding support that works for you, validating yourself and your own needs would also be helpful.  You might also evaluate whether you are giving too much and need to reconsider your limits.

5.  Could this be about sadness for you?  Are you feeling discouraged?  Are you feeling hopeless, perhaps like a failure?  Or afraid?  When you see your daughter is it painful for you because of your own feelings? It may be that seeing her brings up painful feelings for you and that could make you not want to be around her.  In this situation, taking a look at your feelings and how to resolve them or accept them might help.

6.  Are you constantly on edge, waiting for the next crisis? Are you attempting to control what you can’t control?  This can also lead to exhaustion and resentment.  Sometimes having a crisis plan, so that it is concrete and clear what you can do and what you can’t do could be helpful.

7.  One option is of course  that you don’t like her. It may be that completely accepting that fact will help you. What you think and feel is valid and self-validation would mean not judging yourself for your thoughts and feelings. Then, remember that validation is not a communication of love or liking, just as it is not agreeing.  It is acceptance and recognition that the other person has thoughts and feelings and has a right to her thoughts and feelings, whether it is someone you love or someone you don’t want to spend a single minute with.  I would say that every person in the world has a right to their thoughts and feelings. Maybe separating validation from love or liking would help. When you validate her thoughts and feelings you are not communicating that you like or love her.

Plus, validation of her thoughts and feelings could make your interactions easier which could lead to your feelings changing.  Or not.

Finally, you might consider talking with a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD to help sort out your thoughts and feelings.

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I've a lot to be thankful for. I am so very grateful to my Mother who gave me the tools to pursue my dreams. I am grateful for my immediate family who support my long hours of writing and to an editor who took a chance and accepted a proposal.  I am grateful to a colleague who introduced me to another editor who is now considering four books. I am grateful to those who believed in me and gave me the opportunity to share information on a national conference call.  I am grateful for my health and that I have such wonderful people who love me.  I blessed in that I work with the most fabulous, giving people you could imagine and I get to do work I love.

I am grateful for the opportunity to give back. Peace for me lies in helping others to develop their careers, in writing books that may help someone somewhere, and in offering what I can to assist others in need.  I want to give more.  With like-minded people, I'm starting a non-profit.

I am blessed to be able to do that.  Thank you. How wonderful to have a special day to say thank you.

Understanding Anger

Many times people describe another person as an "angry" person or someone who has an "anger problem" and shake their heads. Emotionally abusive spouses, the controlling boss, the critical parent--all may be described as angry people. Bullies are angry people, whether they are twelve or forty-five. Maybe it's hard to understand why someone would be angry most of the time. After all, being chronically angry has many negative consequences for both the person who lives in anger and those around that person. Why would anyone continue a behavior that seems so negative?

Anger is a complicated emotion but we're beginning to understand it better than ever before.  There are different types of anger.

First consider Stephanie. That's a made-up name of course and doesn't refer to any real person. Stephanie is focused on self-esteem. Focusing on self-esteem is a trap, as we know from Dr. Neff's bookSelf Compassion (2011).  She looks for achievements to feel good about herself and assesses herself in terms of whether she is better than others in various ways, such as being smarter, more fit, wealthier, and the like. Because she sees her value as measured through these comparisons, there will be times when she realizes others are smarter, wealthier, or in better shape than she is. There are many ways of responding, and her way is to be angry when that happens. Loss of her value as a person hurts and anger is one response to feeling hurt. In some situations where someone isn't clear about who they are, the anger may be intense because they feel so worthless. Some people routinely compare themselves to others who they judge as being superior to them and the result is also anger.  Believing that you are worthless is one root of chronic anger.

Jake is an abusive spouse. When his wife Wendy returned home late from a meeting, he raged at her, demanding to know where she had been. He "knew" she was cheating on him.  Wendy apologized over and over and reassured him she loved him. To avoid his anger she told her boss she couldn't stay late any more. She made many changes in her life to avoid Jake's anger. Anger for Jake is a way of controlling his fears of abandonment.

Allison is a pretty  twelve-year-old girl who goes to a private school. She's the Queen Bee with a group of three or four followers. She puts others down and believes she is superior to other students and deserves to be adored. When she wasn't chosen as homecoming queen she was enraged. She stayed angry for months and tormented the girl who was chosen as queen. She believed she deserved it, she wanted it and she saw herself as the prettiest girl at the school. She stayed angry for months and tormented the girl who was chosen as queen.

Wesley continues to form relationships that seem promising. He has a certain closeness that he is comfortable with. He is fine until he talks about marriage and then he finds a reason to be angry with the one he cares about. He has the same pattern in business. He works well with someone until he thinks about having a business partner. Then he destroys the relationship by finding fault with the other person.

Anger is often a secondary emotion, triggered by fear. Think about your child running onto the road in front of your house. Fear comes first, then anger. Sometimes the change from fear to anger happens so quickly and automatically people aren't even aware it occurred.

Steven Stosny, in his book Treating Attachment Abuse (1995) talks about anger as an emotional salve to cover up core hurts. He identifies core hurts, some of which are feeling ignored, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. The healthy person has the power to self-validate and cope with these difficult emotions.

If someone doesn't have the ability to soothe through self-validation, then they may use anger to invalidate the person who has hurt them. By assuring oneself and others that the hurt was not legitimate, that the other person was in the wrong, the person establishes their superiority. Thus they avoid feeling the difficult emotion.

For example, Allison believes that the girl who won the contest did not deserve it and thus does avoids dealing with the feeling of rejection or legitimate loss. She attacks the girl who did win to prove her point.  Allison is exhibiting a narcissistic anger--she does not feel insecure, she feels entitled.

Jake is attempting to avoid terrifying feelings of abandonment. He does not have to see himself as wrong or selfish, or mean because he is sure his wife was the one at fault.

Stephanie feels powerless and inadequate. When someone feels powerless, anger can be empowering. What a different feeling that is! Empowering can also mean control.  For fearful people, feeling in control may be soothing and they can often get that feeling through anger.

Anger can create distance when someone is afraid of getting too close.  If someone has grown up with distant parents, they may crave closeness but at the same time be afraid of it. Anger can be protective in those situations. That's Walter's pattern.

Anger can also be a safe way to engage with someone. I fight with you, therefore we are connected.

Stosny also points out the chemical rush that comes with anger. When a person gets angry, the brain secretes norepinephrine. norepinephrine works much like a pain reducer. When provoked the brain also produces the hormone epinephrine, which causes a surge of energy throughout our body. The chemical reactions may be comforting as well. Some report feeling an almost addictive like response to the adrenaline-like rush they experience when angry.

Treating anger problems requires careful assessment to find the reasons for its occurrence.

A Few Thoughts About Self Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff's book on self compassion was published in April 2011. We've followed her website for some time and used her work in the work we do. Our expectations for her book were high. She didn't disappoint.

Human minds seem to naturally be judging, judging, and judging some more. Many people tend to build themselves up by putting others down. The idea seems to be that if someone see themselves as better than someone else then they feel better about themselves. Bullies do this to an extreme and gather allies to join them to  further prove their superiority over another human being. Given that in this country we seem fixated on being above average as a way of having self-esteem, that means finding someone or lots of someones you see as beneath you. The judging doesn't stop with others but usually includes harsh judgments of themselves as well.

Dr. Neff explains clearly how that is a set-up for problems and why it doesn't work. She offers self compassion as an alternative to self esteem.  She points out that if people see conflicts as being between two groups of people, such as between women and men or between different nationalities,  they tend to be more accepting of the differences than if they think of the conflicts as being between human beings. That leads to one of her main pathways to self compassion--accepting that what we experience are is part of the human condition. We all experience loss, disappointment, failure, shame and regret.

To truly experience self compassion is to not judge. Self compassion means to understand and accept. Is she saying nothing should be judged as wrong? No. Dr. Neff describes discriminate wisdom as the ability to separate the action from the person. Stealing is wrong. Understanding that the person who stole was hungry helps you have compassion.

Teaching a nonjudgmental stance is part of DBT. Perhaps teaching self compassion as what to do instead of judging adds an important component.

Self compassion also adds to the understanding of invalidation, perhaps helping stop the behavior. Understanding that every human being makes mistakes and is fallible and that there are multiple reasons for the missteps and less than desirable decisions encourages the logic and truth of stopping invalidating statements.

Perhaps most important of all, Dr. Neff cites research that shows people practicing self compassion are less likely to be depressed or anxious and have a more stable sense of security. That's a significant result.

Vegetarian

I didn't intend to become a vegetarian.  Really, I didn't.  But something happened last March and I just couldn't eat meat anymore. Not only did I not want it, I couldn't tolerate the thought of meat in my mouth. Probably just a passing thing I thought, but here I am six months later and I can't stand the thought of eating flesh. That's the way I think of meat now and I can't switch it back. Meat is flesh right?  That's the truth.

The problem is that I'm having difficulty getting enough protein. I've always loved carbs and taking meat out of my diet only makes the problem worse. Carbs taste so good.  Eating is not about what tastes good I tell myself. Because of the problem with protein I made a decision to eat meat again. Making firm decisions about my own behavior has worked before, like deciding I would go to the gym.  This time it didn't work.

That solution is not working.  Now I'm focused on alternative protein sources.  How can I increase my protein without eating meat? Greek yogurt is great. But I need more.

Enter spicy black bean burgers.  These patties are flavorful and taste like a treat.  Wrapped iwth veggies in a low-carb whole wheat tortilla and what a treat.  My meat-loving friends eat them too. I never knew these "burgers" could taste so wonderful.  So if I found one fabulous option, there should be another, right?  Protein packed chocolate pudding with no sugar and 9 carbs, 190 calories and 30 grams of protein. 30!! Seriously, this stuff is so good.

There's got to be more.  I'm searching.

Thinking, Thinking, Thinking

Mindfulness of our thoughts is one of the keys to decreasing our suffering.  How many times have you had thoughts that were totally unhelpful, maybe even detrimental to your own happiness?  Our mind is like a monkey, jumping all around. Sometimes completely weird thoughts come into our heads and we have no idea where the thoughts came from.  The problem is that sometimes we believe that because we thought something, it must be true.  Let’s say you have the thought “Maybe my husband is cheating on me” but there is no evidence that is true, not a single, tiny fact to support that thought. Being mindful that the mind is just thinking and what you think isn’t necessarily reality may save you from a lot of misery and from yelling at your husband for no reason.

The mind can have all kinds of thoughts.  Many times the mind has lots of negative thoughts about its owner–you.  And that definately lowers your mood and increases your suffering.

Thoughts are just thoughts. Because we think something it isn’t necessarily true. The mind isn’t about to stop genenerating thoughts, that’s what it has been doing for over 100,000 years.  Be aware that your thoughts may just be thoughts and not have any truth whatsoever. That’s normal.  So check it out, see if the thought is true.  Find the evidence.  If it’s true, then you can take action.  If it’s not, then you label it a thought and don’t pay attention to it.

Japan

Discovering the differences between my cultture and the Japanese is a daily experience. Yams are not sweet potatoes here, for one. The hotel showers are not enclosed. The whole bathroom is the shower. Sounds strange but its actually very convenient and reasonable. Pajamas are provided instead of a robe. The taxis are lovely colors, bright green, turqoise, and aqua. In Tokyo there are people everywhere.  The people are gentle and very willing to be helpful. They seem to go about their day in a most efficient manner and there is little chat on the trains or streets. People do not yell at each other that I have seen and mistakes or requests are taken care of as best they can manage.. Trains and buses run on a schedule. A lovely country.

Japan

I'm headed to Japan with a carry-on full of food. I'm not confident that I can find my choices there and being unable to find food I'm willing to eat is not an experience I want to repeat. Try looking for meat substitutes in Spain. Or Southwest Virgina.

A creature of habit, I love to see the world. Those two facts about me are contradictory. It's hard to keep your routine when you can't speak the language. I'm not complaining. I'm just owning my own inflexibility. If I were a good traveler my carry-on would hold maps and guide books and walking shoes.

Hotel beds are important to me, almost as important as my food. I love a good mattress with lots of pillows and cool sheets. I'd like a view from the window. I'm a spoiled traveler I guess. Okay, I can do without the view but I don't want a too soft or a rock hard mattress.  And a gym.

Japan. I never imagined I'd be there. Google Translator is my new best friend. I'll send pictures. And let you know about that mattress.

Love

Love is so darn complicated.

Mature love is a whole different story than a young, beginning love. One of the most difficult characteristics is that you can love someone who is absolutely not good for you. So you have this incredible feeling, this wish to be oh-so-close to someone and everytime you get close something awful happens.  Something hurtful. Painful. Gut-wrenching. Perhaps the person betrays your trust. Maybe s/he talks trash about you behind your back. Maybe they pull away. Sometimes we love the wrong person. Because without trust and safety, love doesn't flourish. Oh, you might not stop loving for a long time, maybe never. But without trust love can't help you soar and be the best you can be. Love without trust brings sadness. I believe you can love without trust, but it's not a pleasant experience.

Then there's love and intimacy. Sometimes we love from afar, not really involved with the person we love. If you love someone who struggles with addictions, or someone who repeatedly betrays you, then love from a distance may be the only safe option. That's a limited love. There's little joy in that love either.

Love without acceptance is common. I'll love you if you lose ten pounds kind of love. Can you love someone and criticize the heck out of them? Absolutely. You can love someone and blame them, be jealous of them, and any of a number of ridiculous behaviors. The love isn't the problem. It's the blaming, criticizing, and ridiculous behaviors.

But a stand-up kind of love, that's rare. When the person you love does something humiliating for them and you walk up to them and take their hand. When they make the most embarrassing goof in the company of people you respect and you kiss them on the cheek cause you know they didn't do it on purpose.

It's a wondrous thing when you get it.  And when you give it.

Trust and intimacy are critical for the fullest love

Learning About Witches

I've stereotyped witches and I'm sorry. Now that I've done some research for a new book, I've learned the error of my ways. Of course I knew the pointed hats and long flowing black robes from the Wicked Witch of the West and Halloween were gross exaggerations. But I didn't know witches believed in karma.  Aren't we getting Buddha all mixed up here with wiccan?  Witches claim the Rule of Three. If you harm someone it will come back at you threefold. So they are quite careful about using their magic for good. Not only that but witches believe in reincarnation.  Their souls go to Summerland and wait til they are ready to start another round here on earth. So other religious sects believe in reincarnation and that lessons must be learned or we keep returning to earth. What's going on here? How did this blow your mind overlap occur?

Truth really is stranger than fiction.

Mindfulness and Attachments

Two weeks ago I was counting the days until my new iPad arrived.  I checked the Apple site several times a day, despite knowing I'd receive an email when it shipped.  The marketing department for Apple must be amazing to have so many people going to the store in the wee morning hours to stand in line to get a number to buy that product.  I guess it helps that the iPad is, well, really cool. 

What fascinates me though is my own behavior. I've been through gadget mania, believing that the latest gadget would add so much to my life, create happiness or magic or some wondrous result.  What really happens, of course, is that I get the gadget (or dress, or car, or whatever) and then a week later I want something else.  There is no end to wanting.  Whatever you get, you want something else. We don't wait for possessions to wear out anymore or until we need something new.  How many people wait until they need a new pair of shoes before buying? Or new clothes? Most of us buy based on want, not need. Sometimes I try to fool myself.  I don't have any yellow heels.  So I need those.  then, well,  I don't have any yellow flats.  I need yellow flats and then that will be the last pair I buy.  Ha.  I am embarrassed to say how many pairs of shoes are in my closet right now.  I certainly don't need more.  

All this wanting leads to working more to earn more money to pay for all the stuff I buy.  

Wanting creates discontentment.  Getting things truly doesn't bring happiness.  I've found that out for myself.  Plus research done in positive psychology has shown that to be true.  Not to mention that all this buying from want means working more hours to earn more money to pay for all the stuff that doesn't make me happy.  And takes away from free time that I could spend writing, with friends and with family--the choices that really do make me happy. My behavior makes no sense.  And I know it.  And I still do it.

The iPad really is cool though.